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I read your emails again today. Slowly. I tried to hear your voice, I did clearly. I am so glad I had Lela with you. She is the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. To think I delivered her to the world, after nurturing her in my womb for 38 weeks. 

I always knew I was strong but I had no idea how much until the morning I went into labour. I was alone you know, there was no one around. My grandpa had just died, so no family could come up to be with me. That's ok I kept whispering to myself.   I rubbed my belly and thought about the future, the future that was to come.

Then it did. Labour pains are unbelievable. Think of the worst stomach cramp you have ever had, now multiply it by a 1000 every 5-10 minutes! I pushed and pushed. Grunted and groaned. Breathed but not one scream left my throat.   Charles Mingus Ah Um CD was playing in the background I asked the nurse to turn it up. She did, they thought I was weird.  I even packed my own blanket. Lela was stubborn though, she was not ready to leave me, her heart rate dropped theyall panicked. Then prepped me for C-section. I was calm, tired but calm.  

Pushing me into the theatre I felt scared, my voice trembled and seemed to come from a place far far away. I forced myself to participate - I can get detached very quickly. I held onto the bed and could see them manipulating my body. I felt nothing though. I heard the skin being cut, sounds like meat I thought. I kept my eyes open the whole time, then out she came. I looked at her - she looked flat, her skin was wrinkly, she had gunk all over her. Still I felt nothing. My heart was beating normally. I did suddenly feel like a mommy.  

Thoughts of being alone mattered little now. She has arrived.  She was born at 5.14 pm on a Monday and I called a cab to collect us by noon the next Tuesday. I was still alone. You were not there. You know - i don't have to tell you. You have still not seen her. I am not mad anymore.  I have just realised that you gave me the greatest gift I have ever ever been given. How can I be mad at you for choosing not to be part of her life, thats your story. I am just grateful that I can share every cent I earn, every smile she flashes and if I could, spend every waking minute in her company.  

I think she will look a lot like you. I wonder about you all the time. I think our paths have been distorted. I am not even sure if you are alive or dead, hungry or fed. How is your life and work?  

I often imagine you being strong, standing on the stage with your fancy jacket on.   I think of the first time. How guilty? How utterly amazing! It happened there.   I believe - my heart broke when you left Kenya and as the plane took off so did my spirit - i went back to my hotel room and it smelt of you, when i walked in I found so many messages from you - saying that you love me, scribbled everywhere, the porter just kept bringing them to me - i ached with longing for you - a permanent smile on my face...  

I don't know how you feel, I don't want to know. Just know this. We are alive, I am happy and we are healthy. We are blessed. Soon the world will come to an end and everything that seems so important right now, everything, will be gone. Our routes to work, our phone bills, our rent and petrol, your headaches your pain and anguish will be over.  

Soon  

We only have a limited time on this planet. I probably have another 50 years in me. I will wait for you. Until you are ready to talk. My heart brims with appreciation for you. I will defend you. I will tell her how wonderful you are, I will read your love letters to her. She must know she came from love.  

Please be alive...

Even if just barely.  

Keep the whisper of that love we once shared alive in the crevice of your mouth. Let it roam in between your teeth in and out your throat. Summer breeze.  

I see you in the shower in the safari hotel in kenya. So tall brown and lean. Your knees slightly together just a little hunch forward.  You hated getting water on your face. 

It makes me laugh.  

Your belly button seemed a gaping hole like the indents made after meteors crash.   Ribs and stomach - again nest - the water trickling down your chest.

Your hand cupping your man hood.

Defensively. I remember sitting on the edge of the bath getting splashed by the droplets that fell off your body and watching you wash. Thinking the thoughts I always do...  

I was overwhelmed that morning - wish we did not have to leave the comfort under those cotton sheets but people things places always always get in the way.   

We cant exist in this crazy world. We is a place of fantasy. Us is the fortress of fairies and dwellings of giants with clubs and trees and golden geese.  

When we are together we make time stand still.

When were together time stood still.  

Thank you for giving me the meaning of my life. 

She is beautiful. She really is.