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Today I feel ten. I feel weightless and light.  Today is the day i feared for ever. Today is the day i cut the ties.  Today I am going to embrace being detached, I will make no attempt to connect.  Not today and not with anyone.

I will not smile or eat, I will not f*ck or sleep but I will float.  Drift wood.

When oh when will it all be over, I have been waking up with this thought for a while now.  The problem with following this train of thought through the tunnel is that the destination might be a little too freaky to share with anyone.  So often I stop myself from trying to think it through.  Do you ever sensor your thoughts?

  Say you know you are fat, right, but you know that if you dont ever think of yourself as fat then somehow you are not that fat....or lets say you are a really mediocre person, no ambition no drive, no nothing, and the scariest thing is you admitting this to yourself and realising that you dont care and probably wont ever do anything about it.   It's like that with this thought.  When will it all be over, when is it going to stop, when will things become easy, like pancakes and golden syrup easy.  Nothing fussy about that right.  I would rather connect with a pancake than anyone right now.

You know - i dont even know why i am mad...things have improved on the love lust front - work situation seems to have settled, then why this discontent?  I dont understand.  Why do I feel like I want to scream or slam doors, why am I waking up wanting to cry because i woke up, because i want to remain there in that place, i am chasing a dream and I am wide awake.  I am looking for an answer but I am underwater and all the sounds are muffled.  I am not saying the answer is not out there, but i just cant hear it. You know - I cant make sense of it and I dont think its god!

Whenever I extend myself beyond myself - and reach out to another, virtual or real I am always left feeling misunderstood somehow.  They just dont get it.  It is me.  Its not you, you are great - it's me.  Really.  Bla Bla Bla - say something nice quick - divert attention, anything to be accepted.  How much the internet feels like high school - clicks have replaced cliques...but a click is a click!  The popular wholesome girl next door, the lovers, the fighters, the haters and the hiders.  Hiding behind names that make sense only to them selves. Hiding behind avatars, perhaps bearing a resemblance of who they wish to be...one thing you wont find here and I never found it at high school either - is the truth. the gory truth. why go through the trouble of creating another identity only to laden it with your own predjudices and preferences... 

The truth is far uglier than you realise.  The person in the mirror is a mock up.  The real thing is still on its way.  That word potential has haunted you from the beginning. You hate it so much.  I just dont get it do I.  The most painful realisation is that it actually doesn't matter whether you get it or not, its neither here nor there, its neither a deal maker or breaker.  The deal has gone off.  

I looked at a bunch of girls the other day, they seemed sweet charming, funny and intelligent. They were having fun-a-flirting and there was I - sitting and scribbling.  My notepad for company and wine on tap.  They looked over at me once or twice, what an oddity, they must have thought.  I had to struggle to stay, struggle to be calm and uninfluenced but it was hard.  My eyes betray me.

I came into this world alone and alone I shall depart - some people find the journey from alone to alone a joyus one - for me its torture. Alone is my natural state. My thoughts - my feelings - my loves and hates - uncontested.  All this connecting in the middle is where the shit starts to happen.  Oh damn - I have a date tonight, lol, can you imagine my company.  I need a drink.