Blog Entries for Boure

Simba Chippies

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Today is the day after I made the fourth and final attempt at ditching my ex. He took it well last night, no threats of suicide or volcanic vitriol spewing forth as yet - that was until a few seconds ago. Text after text - i want to difflect the pain. How can he still have this effect on me.

He accuses me of so many things - the fact that i have being trying to brake up with him seems to elude him and his slow dissent into self comforting self pity has kicked i [...]

Blue

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Today I feel ten. I feel weightless and light. Today is the day i feared for ever. Today is the day i cut the ties. Today I am going to embrace being detached, I will make no attempt to connect. Not today and not with anyone.

I will not smile or eat, I will not f*ck or sleep but I will float. Drift wood.

When oh when will it all be over, I have been waking up with this thought for a while now. The problem with following this train of though [...]

Silly

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0100

They say when you are in love you go a little mad - they say.

He said that thing a few nights ago - the thing I always tell boys when I have fallen for them. Hard. That thing that sounds like a disclaimer - something along the lines of - please if you have a change of heart, tell me.

I use to do that - ask the other to be honest and just level with me when they hearts or minds change. When it comes to the crunch they never do. Nor do I. I cant actually tell the dude - hey b [...]

Again and Again Please

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0100

I think I am already in love but I am blind to it. I think I have been hurt and dissapointed by love so often that I am sceptical even when loves tingle is felt rippling through me. Where ever love touches - it burns. The pain is adictive and each time I think I might not make it through but here I go again. It makes me laugh to think how eager mouths search out eager tongues, how our fingers grapple in the dark to hold onto to something, onto anything and honestly the only thing that makes s [...]

Cut and Paste

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Why is it that one needs a weekend to recover from the weekend.

Sometimes people make you believe they are more than what they really are, other times people lead you to think they are less. I have decided not to tell people anything for a while. To keep things close to my chest.

Found that if you open your chest too often assholes elbow their way in and leave mud marks all over the place. Takes yonks to get out. Takes years to heal.

I see some close friends o [...]

Number 1

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0100

I live in a world where people are never satisfied, nothing is ever enough; not even sliced bread. In this world people eat more than they should, drink beyond their limits, fornicate indiscriminately pop pills, inject potions, pollute destroy and maim.

Here the clouds are green with envy and the seas are empty - wars have started over the limited resources and money is a thing of the past. We take what we want, not what we need and love died in the 60's. We have no more news, no w [...]

Wanting We

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Brown eyes pink nipple clipped strides monochrome minty green mochito mean

Wanting waiting wailing weaning

Look up no, and then again down like so, flick hair, flutter eyes, come closer Miss Demise

Pill popping drug store hopping

Uppers downers lighters frowners

Dagga pipes and salsa bars

Broad back small feet

Damn baby

Looks good enough to eat

Another sip another crack another noose around my neck

Fritz Chrysler, Jim Jones, [...]

Reality

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0100

I read your emails again today. Slowly. I tried to hear your voice, I did clearly. I am so glad I had Lela with you. She is the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. To think I delivered her to the world, after nurturing her in my womb for 38 weeks.

I always knew I was strong but I had no idea how much until the morning I went into labour. I was alone you know, there was no one around. My grandpa had just died, so no family could come up to be wi [...]

Dear John Letter

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0100

To accept less than the all is unacceptable.

I do this thing where I get excited about the prospect of the future.

The future

Please don't be mad but I cant do this, I have needs and your life is full

Understandably - you are a light - moths like flame

Fires are bright

Go ahead brown man

Concentrate on your life - dont ask me to be a wife

Go ahead brown man pull the cord, rip the hose, crack the heel, clink the clank [...]

Too much of a good thing

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0100

So I thought cutting a cute fringe and blow drying my hair for a change would be nice, a very old English boss of mine loved saying - a change is as good as a rest Miss T. So with my new hairstyle came my new walk (more like a confident thirty year old strutt...try and stop me!) and I try to talk differently too (I really think about my vocabulary). I am trying to say less and think and feel more. These days I feel a lot less like that poor kid in a candy store. Desperate [...]

Moeg Man...

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Ek is klaar met die politiek in die country. Hulle kan almal gaan k**k. Ek het ook 1986 gelees, they are insulting my intel if they think we dont see what the boogie board is going on! I know everybody had their 2 cent to contribute to the pot so I will spare you mine. Suffice to say it sucks. Balls, you know the kind. Ok, so on top of rising food prices, people not having any disposable income for silly incidentals like buying new tooth brush if naugthy brush falls in toilet water [...]

Just one of those things

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0100

This morning the date and time setting on my phone was completely wrong, the date was set to 1980 (Jan 15). The time was ahead by at least 23 minutes. For a moment I wished it really were so. I hoped that time had, during my hours of slumber, somehow slowed down. Things are moving too fast.

They say its normal to feel like this, I dont want to see or be seen. Friends and family phone, they seem so happy, I am faking interest in their lives today. I could not care, to be perfectly honest [...]

Woosh...

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0100

So this is how it happened, after months and months of flirting, one disastrous date turned great, some wine and whining it finally happened. It was great. Slap bang in the middle of the day, can you believe it, sneaking away from work, a little lunch time fornication in my ex boss's house! Yes I know what you're thinking and yeah you are right but it had to happen - it was another one of those sticky JHB afternoons, where you wish for the relief of a wet wint [...]

Aero!

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0100

So the reason I've been silent for so long is simply because so much has happened in such a short space of time, I needed time to process it all. I have and here goes. This revolution has not been televised.

Its Sunday afternoon, I am swimming in box wine, red, my flat is silent. The eerie stillness unnerves me; I look at myself in the mirror for some company. "I have grown so accustomed to her face". Everything from where I work to that I am having sex [...]

Feeling Something Funny

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0100

There is this feeling I get, hard to explain but the other morning in made me smile. It was such a familiar feeling it felt like an old friend popping by to say hello, disappearing before we had the time for a real chat. Poignant feeling. I say feeling but it actually was an image made up of only words, go with me here, the image is of my thumb and forefinger pinching together. As if I am holding onto something, a thin thread, on the other end (invisible to me) is something so big a [...]

The Hollow

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Rich was on the road to destruction. He had done so much he was proud of and even more he was not proud of. Those things ate at him, chomped away his dignity little by little.

He started out his journey to grandma's house as we all do with a big smile, lots of energy and a basket packed with delectable goodies and great ideas. En route he met the wolf. Suffice to say towards the tail end of the journey Richard exchanged his good ideas and ambitious ideals for salacious exchanges wit [...]

Will I Fall or Fly?

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0100

Have you ever been on the verge of making a really bad decision but you are not sure just how bad it is and the only gauge you have is this gut feeling that won't go away but also does not provide any clarity either? I am there right, right now. Do I or don't I. The time really has come for me to jump but where to? If I jump will I fly?

Sometimes those who dish out advice find the pickings slim when their own need for counsel arises. I am lacking. I need counsel. Today I [...]

An Open Letter To My brother

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0100

So happy birthday baby! You are all of 27 years old. Twenty years plus seven just to rub it in. My mind boggles. Just yesterday we were playing cricket in the yard with a palletjie for a bat and tennis ball instead of the real deal. Aargh never mind those balls were too hard anyway. We watched karate kid together and for weeks were practising moves on the lawn. Our game "take your best shot", remember I would say those words and then you would punch me as hard as you can. I kn [...]

About losing yourself

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0100

I am a dreadful procrastinator, I wait until the very last minute before the shit actually hits the fan and then I spring into action and execute. That is one thing I will change about myself. Another is my heavy thighs; I would make them maar boure! Don't get me wrong it is masterfully hidden behind layers of muscle thanks to the thigh master but it is there nonetheless. Just waiting to explode, smiling at me after one too many Marie biscuits or a few Copenhagen's... &nbs [...]

Inertia

tracy@indizacapital.co.za — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0100

I am stuck. There is so much to tell you right now although excruciatingly little has happened. Most of the things are happening in my head. My thoughts are mulling over and over, they are tormenting me, twirling and twisting some pleasant some wretched. I want to call him; I want to ask him if we could go for another walk. I want to confess that I am falling for him. The thought of him. That his face is the first I see when I wake and the last I recall before I go to sleep. That I can& [...]