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From today I give you all of me.

From today I no longer will hold back as I have in the past.

From today I will LOVE you with all that I am.

From today I want to hold you in my arms and in my Heart and not ever let go.

From today I open the doors of my soul and let you in.

From today I will cherish every moment I have with you.

From today I give you the woman that I am.

From today embrace you LOVE.

From today I close the doors of sadness and loneliness and;

I open the doors of joy and companionship.

From today I give you ME.

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I'm going on a journey
Somewhere far from here
Though not sure of my destination
I know that I should not fear.

 Though many dangers await me
and many burdens may come my way
That is where i want to be

I somtimes dream,
but with my eyes wide open.
I see the road on which i travel. For a long distance the road is straight,
and than sudeenly a wide river appears. But i know i should not fear.
So i lift my hands up to the sky and say a prayer.

I see mountains and deep valley's and dark gloomy forests.
Now I cant help but be afraid.
Wait...Wahts that?!
Oh, its just my spirit, telling me not to fear.

I still have a long way to go, to get where i need to be and,
though trials and tests come my way, I have the singing of the birds and the sunds warm ray to help along the way.

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I sit here trying to feel, or understand what I'm feeling. But there's nothing. Im numb. It saddens me to think that I don't or can't feel anything. I am one who relies on emotions to tell me if I'm write or wrong, instinct, if one can call it that.

Maybe, just maybe, just for once, I am to rely on my mind to help me.  I think that I am supposed to "think". Now this sounds so contradictory right now, because I tend to think a lot. But when it comes to actually making the final decision, my emtoions/instinct kicks in and i go with what I am feeling at that moment in time.

But right now, I am trying so hard to feel, yet NO EMOTION! It feels like a piece of me has died. I am a Woman, a being made of emotion. Yet today I cant seem to feel a thing....I feel paralysed, crippled by this lack of...

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Im a creature of habit and routine is a way of life me, not knowing shait scares me. More so not knowing what the next moment hold, funny, because no one knows that. See I like to sorta predict what happens next, even while watching a CSI or Law and order, I try to figure things out just like them.

So I like knowing things and even though im slightly off , sometimes wat off lol, feels good knowing I have tried.

NOW nothing could prepare me, not even trying to predict, for that day.

I didn't respond, and you must gotten anxious, because you sent a couple more emails that, and the next and the next...Than you decided to take it a step further and called.

The sound of your voice made me shake so badly I had to take a few seconds to catch myself. "why the silence?: you asked. "Im just in a little shock", I replied. After explaining we got to talking and this time, even if I tried, I couldn't avoid the confrontation, the very same confrontation I was trying to avoid by not mailing you back. We than caught up on three years and soon I felt myself melting. Melting like ice in HOT water. Now I was in HOT water, not only from your charm, but the guilt that gnawed at the very strings of my heart. After that there was no turning back, or was there?

I tried finding ways to get out, but felt trapped, not as in a hostage situation more out of obligation, not sure why, I just did.

You made me a promise and told me that you didn't forget. Now I had no right to want to hold you to it, and you had no right reminding me of that very promise or wanting to fulfill it.

Its been some time and we still speak, nothing hanky panky. But in our hearts we both know what we want, or do? You have regained my trust and now I can tell you anything, but the one thing I ant to tell you I hold back on. You've attempted in saying it, but I've stopped you before you could. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. Im afraid I have made a mistake I should have courteously asked you not to call again. But me not saying that, meant that I wanted this, or did i. because it doesn't feel like I did. Was it a sub conscious choice that surfaced in the conscious realm? Was it destiny? WTF was it? Right now im in turmoil and not sure how to tell you what I know I MUST but cant seem to get to telling you. Do I really want this? Am I ready for the repercussions? Are you ready? Do you know what you want, or are you just infatuated and confused? This has just spiraled outa control and I feel like I am losing my ability of even attempting to tell what happens next....

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We were more than friends, but never lovers. Our relationship somewhere in between. You cared for me and me for you, but somehow we just could never seem to find each others hearts.

I remember the day my lips first touched yours, I was in awe at how gentle it felt, but the feelings inside of me erupted like a volcano giving birth to its lava.

Than I got the message, "1 message received." Not surprised, I check the name and take a deep breath...I blink to confirm that my eyes aren't playing tricks on me. I take a moment to think, I think back and wonder on the different paths our lives have taken. I think about things said and things never done. My curiosities drive me to click on the read button. I open it and it read, "Hello, I've missed you."

My heart now racing and palms shaking, i take a moment to wait for the anxiety to subside. Images playing in my mind, a slight smile greet my lips as I finally pluck the courage together to hit the reply button.

As the open page sits before me, I run a film through the cinema of my mind. I remember the choices I have made, the ones that have become my life. I consider the implications any sort of reply would have. My fingers now itching to say hello too. I look to my left and see the photo, the photo of my life. I now proceed to ask myself seemingly logical questions but they seem so unnecessary. I start to over analyze as I usually do and My heart tells me "NO!"" no need to shout," I tell her. And I close the message.

Still wondering about the that day, one thing I know for sure is that anything from the past should be left right there.

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Today I sit here with my Heart over flowing with gratitude... i cant stop thanking God for what he has done in my life. God does things for a reason... A while ago I thought I wasnt going to make it, but I clung to the hem of His garment and He raised me up to be victorious. It may not seem liek much to some, but to me, it means everything... My Heart sings a song of praise and the enemy flees in fear...

Thank you Jesus....

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In this world we are always going to encounter hurt, pain, suffering, negativity, dissappointment...I can go on and on. Butit is in these times that we need to open our heats to the extended Love that God has for us

I've learnt that God allows certain things to happen to us to bring us closer to Him. We need to understand that He is not trying to hurt us or shun us, but make us stronger in Faith, Love, and TTrust in Him.

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I sit here overwhelmed by my emotions. it used to be so easy to keep control of it, but since that day its become hard not to listen to my inner voice. Every time i think abotu it my inner being turns ice cold.You say that im imagining things and that im making myself feel this way. maybe I am but cant I make it go away? Why does the voice keep coming back?

I cant rememebr what I was like before all this.

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