What is the absolute truth, the one indestructible, solid, never faltering, constant truth? What is truth in a world full of idealisms, perceptions, ideologies, theories, myths and relativism and all the other "isms" that is mushrooming all around us? Is everything not just true to the one observing at that specific moment, formulating a simple truth that stays only for a while, as in a blink of an eye what remained truthful becomes suspect, becomes objectionable? It's a spiraling cajole of true and almost true, maybe and definitely, now so and tomorrow no. What's real in a world of ever changing norms, values, and truth? Very peculiar mood I am in, but that also changes continuously. I try and be alert to any signs of depression, trying to detect if I am descending into that dark hole again, extreme mood changes is always a sure give away. Don't think I'm knocking on depressions door as yet, but I am feeling a bit low. While contemplating why, I opened Pandora's Box and tripped on a strange thought...
I feel light and heavy laden. I feel like I know it all and then I come crashing down with a stark realization that I know nothing at all. Nothing makes sense, it's all just an illusion and just when I think I have found something meaningful, something that truly makes sense, something profound, then it disappears into the proverbial thin air again. I'm left breathless, mouth still agape, yet stubbornly I try holding on to my train of thought, unbelieving that I'm left standing at the door yet again, with no welcome met to usher me in. Its that coming down, that instant moment of defeat that transcend into my whole being which leaves me irritable and questioning the purpose of the self tormenting chamber I have assigned to my peanut brain. Sometimes it feels like smoke will be coming out of my ears at the rate information is being dissected every second. I promise you, it's the most hectic stuff coming through. Spiritual revelations, educational overload, all happening in this very small brain of mine. I totally feel inadequate to process all this information. I always knew I was inquisitive, I knew I looked at the world through my own unique coloured lenses (perfect pun intended). I was well aware of this sense of wanting to know more, that I just needed to keep uncovering the one truth after the other. Knowing there was many more to come. Behind the next hill lies the greatest discovery of all, just keep pushing ahead.
I have been toying with one thought today, I think it actually started formulating last night while I was trying to fall asleep. The thought that crossed my mind was the enigma of the snake that eats its own tail (Think Ouroburous). The question immediately came to me. Was the snake not aware of its own body, moreover could it not feel the vibration, shock, pain, acute awareness that something was happening to its body? Could it not sense it, and react accordingly, which I believe to be the most natural reaction for both human and animal alike, self preservation. To survive, to stop its self destruction, to seize its own cause of death, to immediately stop the senselessness of the act, to accept that its hunger cannot be satisfied at the cost of feeding of itself. Could the snake not feel what was happening to it, that was my lingering thought?
My answer came two fold. My first observation was a psychological one, where we as humans also self-destruct. We harm our mind and body so much by trying to still this insatiable hunger, this gaping hole inside that makes us act in ways that proves senseless, that destroys our very existence. Yet we fail to become aware of what is happening to our body. Self destruction can take many forms, the most obvious forms has to be drug abuse, physical and mental abuse, suicide, etc. This is the tangible side of our destructive nature. But what about the silent dance we do inside our heads, where we eat our own tails daily, not realizing the inevitable end that is in sight. Every time we chip away at our self image, our self worth, when we block new growth, when we feast of our fears, when we feed on our inadequacies, where our hate for ourselves, our desire to destroy this imperfect self we loathe takes on a route to inner death. Maybe we are unaware of how self destructive we can truly be, maybe we are so out of touch with our own body that we fail to read the signs, that we have become immune to the sensation, the signals, the warnings our body is giving off. Maybe we have distanced ourselves so much from our own self, that nothing can touch us, not even our own sword that cuts through our very own hearts. Maybe we have permanently cut off the lifeline that feeds hope, love and faith hence we are incapable of reading the messages that is blatant to the naked eye. Or maybe our inner turmoil, this big gaping hole that consumes us, this bleeding wound, this selfish pain that we are nurturing has severed our connection to the real self. Where we will only see the end when it comes to demand its prize. I don't see a way back after the snake completely swallowed its own body to spit it out again, it's a cycle that cannot move in the opposite direction. It's a one way road and the destination is death. Can you imagine the tragedy, the absurdness of the situation, finding that snake...what can you do to help it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no redemption, no cure, and no lifeline; no oops I made a mistake, no second try. It will die there alone, with itself in itself, alive only to realize the error of its ways. How hopeless that situation, how senseless. I would imagine the snake stays alive for a while, just long enough to wallow in its sorrow, its foolishness, its death which is not painless, days of digesting of itself, but thirst will finally set in, lethargy and finally it will die. Unsure how it got there and almost thankful it's over. When we feast of ourselves, it takes a bit longer to digest it all, and we get millions of chances to stop, to try something new. Even up till the very end, Jesus stretches out His hand to rescue us from our suicide, beckoning reassuringly. Reminding us that we just need to let go and let Him do the work. That hope is alive and a new life awaits. We don't always listen, mostly we choose to regress, rather die the pitiful death of a self destructive animal then let go of the pain that has become the one constant, the only surety in a world of uncertainty. We have become one with this pain, this wound that keeps expanding, hungrily feasting of our soul, leaving nothing to salvage in its path. We cannot, we will not depart from this ally, the one thing that has never left our side, the one thing we have devoted our lives to. Rather die a fool then live a hopeful soul. So we reject the hand and keep going at the tail, knowing the end is near, so far gone that it would be a welcome change from the consuming fire that is burning our insides. Hell is very much alive in you, no need to fear dying.
The other answer that unfolded from the question..."But does the snake not feel its eating its own tail?" This is a more general outlook on the world at present, from my vantage point anyway. We have become cold blooded, just like the snake. We have become hard and ruthless. Our hearts has turned to stone, so cold that we are oblivious to the pain.
"No pain no gain"
"Eat or be eaten"
These are the maxims we live by, destroying everything in our path to barely survive life. Win at all cost, that's the only way. We are hate, we are intolerance, we are proud, and we are unforgiving. No stop, I want to make this more personal, so allow me to retract that statement. I am hate, I am intolerant, I am proud, I am unforgiving, I am a racist, I am fuelled by prejudice, I am jealous, I am petty, I am selfish, I am deceitful...I am sin.
This part of me runs parallel with a small part of me that only by Grace seeks the light. It is a constant battle, a daily fight, and which side will be the victor for this minute, this hour, and this day. Each day brings its distinct battles, so each day will raise the one victor and the other loser, but who will be crowned the ultimate victor? The verdict is still out; yet being aware of my deceptive nature has me alert enough to know that my tail is at risk. It has me checking my motives, questioning my decisions, re-evaluating opinions, analyzing emotions. Knowing this powerful current of a selfish ego that demands food for thought, that demands refueling ever so often, that is shouting louder and louder for attention, has me at a advantaged at the moment, only because I know I could never be so arrogant to assume that I have been cured, that I have escaped its claws, and that I may now let my guard down. Just knowing that my tail is at risk forever for as long as I breath, has me at a slight advantage.
I have been saved; I have accepted the hand that bowed down low to help me up. They call it Grace; a gift from God, offered only through love. How big His love must...How big. The magnitude of the act still has me completely overwhelmed, has me shrinking at the very thought that I was deemed special enough to be saved. That he choose me. I am chosen. Don't think I will ever understand Gods heart, that revelation is perhaps for another life. All I have now is His promise of everlasting love and when I feel the pulse of the "Eie-Ek" awakening, calling for a sacrifice, I take this small trembling hand and put it in His stable hand. I am not always successful in my belief; I have times where my faith does not even amount to the mustard seed, where I fail dismally, incapable of letting go of the fear, the doubt, the present as I know it, unable to break free from old mentalities. I fail myself and I fail God then. Those are the worse times for me and if the alternative was not too impossible, I would have spared Jesus the trouble of putting up with a miserable peanut brain like me, and let Him go at it alone. But the alternative of letting Him go, being without Jesus, not hearing Gods voice again, that is an impossibility to me. I cannot give Him up, I cannot let go, I cannot go back to the way it was before Christ, that dark place, that aloneness, that pain. I cannot go at it alone anymore; I can't even imagine what it would be like. Walking with God has me barely touching ground and if I was to lose Him, it would feel like standing at the edge of a cliff, looking back at all the ground covered to this point, having no idea how we got here and not having the slightest inclination of how to steer my own life again. I cannot be without God you understand; everything with Him makes sense, without Him it's just a morass of nothingness. Yes I am unworthy, yes I fail Him so much, and in the moments when my sin separates me from Him, it's the loneliest time. As soon as I can I close the distance, I repent and accept His forgiveness and run straight into His loving arms, and then we start all over again. However painful the back and forth from sinner to reborn is done, I cannot let go of my Jesus. He makes me whole, a real person.
Ok, getting back to the analogy. Well, quite simply stated we have a proneness to self destruct. We would rather reject love in pursuit of self importance, feeding on this insatiable hunger that gulps up self affirmations, compliments, praise. Basically we just need to be aware of what we feeding on, what are we feeding our souls, and what is our souls shouting for? To be aware of yourself and your thought process is not easy, because just when you think you have something worthwhile to say, you lose the essence of your message and you are left with bits and pieces, trying to recreate the picture in your head, yet you are acutely aware of the gaping hole, glaring at you with the blah you have filled it with. Just when you think you got it, the rug gets pulled under your feet again.
Just heard God whisper to me ...Don't despair little one, it will all manifest itself in another way. All will be revealed.
