or rather, the ending of a strange dream.
i was at my grandmother’s house with the majority of my relatives. we were looking at old family pictures. group pictures mostly, where we all crowded together, wearing red shirts or some prominently red piece of clothing, to identify us all as relatives. it was christmas. specifically the day after christmas, and in the dream, it was Jennifer’s birthday (my aunt). i was looking at a picture (that doesn’t actually exist) where extended family had joined in… and said something about liking that picture the best, because i liked knowing that all those people were out there in the world and that they loved me.
my grandmother became snappy and said something to the effect of “don’t confuse being related with love. none of them would ever come to your rescue if you needed help, you won’t get any of their money when they die, they aren’t your family when it comes down to it”.
i got upset, but her attitude continued as we set up for the picture. my feelings were hurt. my father wasn’t present, so i was sitting alone while family units were being placed here and there to balance out the picture. finally, i was the last one, and she couldn’t find a place for me. so i said i didn’t want to be part of the picture. (enter angst and self-pity)
i was going to leave. the photographer (when did we get a photographer?) came over to try to change my mind.
and the truly strange begins. apparently, i became aware that there was a huge winter storm raging outside and that after the picture (but only if you were in the picture), there was going to be a winter survival challenge. it was supposed to be family building. my grandmother was going to provide all manner of winter gear, food, etc, and the entire family had to trek to some remote location, on foot, together (including wading through a swollen river which would come up to our chests). it was like i was watching the video of the journey, even though it hadn’t happened yet. and somehow i still had the choice of whether or not to insist i be in the picture and go on this journey.
ok, really? who wants to be cold, wet, miserable, hungry, tired, etc? but with my family? i was torn. i was hurt, angry, upset, felt betrayed, etc. so of course, at the climax of these feelings and this ultimate decision, i woke up.
very strange dream. my curiosity now wonders why my grandmother was such a central figure to my feelings of worthlessness … and what sort of journey is coming my way if i choose NOT to feel worthless.
