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This may be naive, but I think if fat haters/concern trolls could exist in the mind of a fat person for a day and truly experience the loneliness, guilt, self-hatred, shame, self-esteem suicide, and pain fat people deal with every day and have dealt with every day, every hour, day in, day out, year after year ... just maybe they'd let up. I feel all this stuff on a regular basis, and I'm actively pursuing being a fat-positive woman! Sometimes I just think the anti-fat people believe fat shaming and hatred is no big whoop. Like a paper cut or something. Rolls off the back rolls. Erm, no. It's more like being stabbed in the back, through the heart - and then twist.

Here's something that sounds completely bonkers. My school friends knew I was fat. I was fat in school. Yet, years later I avoided meeting up because I hadn't succeeded in losing any weight. Madness. It made complete sense to me at the time, and now I'm just like, "Huh?" They knew you were fat! Why would they have expected you to become perfect in the interim?

There are many paths I shunned because I thought fat stood in the way. (That includes romantic avenues. Yes, s/he is interested in you! Yes! Go for it. Even if you're wrong, rejection is less painful than regret, IMO.) No more. It's little acts of standing up for myself, but there are bigger things in the works, too.

I wear sleeveless shirts again. I used to whenever I wanted but then got self-conscious about my upper arms. Heh, guess what? Thin women have the water wings o' flesh that undulate when they wave goodbye, too. Mine are larger. So what?

Another little thing is that I've allowed myself to wear watches and wrist cuff/bands again. I had been taught that they aren't for larger arms. That bracelets and the like should gracefully slide halfway towards the elbow. Forget that noise. Mine may stay firmly at wrist, depending on the selection for that day. And that's just fine. I like knowing the time, and I enjoy jewelry I've acquired over the years.

For years, I've put off a return to  south africa until I've lost weight. (I grew up there as "The Fattest Girl in the World," but strangely photographs of me at the time contradict how I was treated and how I felt - a common experience, post-fat acceptance.) At least now the only thing standing in my way is money and time.

I've joined a new group of women, it's called FAT ACCEPTANCE. Even though i've taken on a healthy lifestyle i have come to terms that I'm never ever going to be as skinny as some of those supermodels. I've accepted myself for who and what i am.

The crux of fat acceptance, in my view, is that fat is a natural variation that's been unjustly vilified, and the high-pressure attempts to correct it actually make one fatter. It's not that the default human is thin and fat people are rebelling against the norm. We're part of the norm. There's short and tall. There's black hair, brown hair, red hair, and blond hair. There's brown eyes, green eyes, and blue eyes. (Not to mention the myriad combinations.) Why is it at all logical to assume thin is the only size humans are supposed to be and fat is a deviation? It's really not.

Basically, the gift that is fat acceptance  is enabling me to learn how to be (more) myself ... not wanting to be anybody else, including thin. It's a rough ride at times. Sometimes it's like a summer drive at dusk with my favourite song on the radio. But at least I'm on it, you know. I feel lucky to have accidentally made my way aboard. Roll on.

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So, I'd organised work after my Ireland tour - needing money and all, thought it would be a good idea. Had a list, opted for Wales, since I've not been and I'd like to get to see the place. I was told job was in Cardiff. Checked out the hospital site - didn't tell me much of anything and google maps told me it was about a 30min drive from Cardiff... I thought it shouldn't be too bad. And then dismissed all thoughts of work (more or less, mini freak out when I received timetable whilst on tour) for 10 days. Contacted the hospital, told there's not a station near here, but there's a bus that stops at the hospital. My earthly possessions and I made our way to Cardiff... 4 bags - duffel (heavy!) on wheels, one bag containing sleeping bag plus odds & ends (no space in duffel), laptop backpack (plus textbooks) on my back...and sling bag with all the other important randoms. Find the bus depot, asked where I'm to catch this bus...was given a bus timetable and directions - one thing - the Welsh, they are certainly friendly. At least my experience so far. Drag duffel along, finally get to stop - read bus timetable and according to me the next bus only in 2 hours... I was like no way...back to the train station. Had a hour wait there anyway - reread the bus timetable and saw I misread it. Oh well...

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It is of the utmost importance that this new life form be both violent and overly sentimental. Make sure they are prone to purposeless drama to add meaning to their lives. We need conflict, who wants to watch things that get along? This new species should be intelligent enough to construct nasty weaponry, but primitive and fearful enough to remain slavish to the idea of a God. The recipe for war, I want constant war. Small frontal lobes, very little concept of cause and effect. Tribal minded, jealous, self-centered. Peaceful resolution should go against their very fiber. Sir, forgive my inquisitiveness, may I ask a question? Why create such an ugly species?

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So after my whirlwind Europe tour I'd hit a bit of a slump...back and no real idea what do - conversations with fellow travellers I decided to do Ireland...10 day all Ireland tour - booked and everything just over a week before due to start. Add sorting out a job for when I got back - you know the whole wanna travel but need money to do it thing - and the time was more or less filled. Fly to Ireland with Ryanair...had to pay for luggage! Honestly...may be a cheap airline but they get you on fees and what not! With a 15kg luggage allowance, and 1(!) piece allowed for had luggage - packing was like oi! Yeah yeah, only 10 days...but I am female - I'm slowly getting better with the packing thing...although I still wish everytime I have to do it that I could teleport! Anyhoo - the day I leave the UK it's one of those miserable, grey, overcast and rainy ones - get to the airport 2 hours prior to check in - as stipulated...overkill for like a 45min flight, but I guess it is considered international...eventually board and rise above the miserable weather to sunshine and clear skies. the rest: http://gudgirl18.blogspot.com/2008/10/eire.html Flying over the Irish sea and seeing the coastline was amazing! This country (and Ireland) really is green - to be expected with all the rain this place gets! - and from an aerial view it really is amazing. Land in Dublin to find the weather still great.

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Yesterday morning my car broke down in the middle of nowhere - between work and home. Electrical issues (in other words, Stuff I Do Not Understand). It's all probably under warranty, but you try telling that to whichever part of my brain is in charge of stress. Hoo boy. When the dashboard lit up like a Christmas tree with DANGER, VW DRIVER! EXPLOSIONS, DEATH & CARNAGE! warnings, so did the stress spot in my cranium. And the beauty of yesterday was, it didn't stop there. Oh, no! Because last night when my BlackBerry stopped working, I rolled my eyes way back into my head, took a deep breath and said, "Oh, Universe. You're such a kidder."

Full disclosure: I unleashed a string of expletives, too - most of them beginning with F and ending with six exclamation points. But as this is a family blog, we'll stick to golly, gosh and gee willywonkers. Keepin' it G-rated.

On the brighter, shinier side, I bought a plane ticket to Seattle, Washington so I can meet my brother when he arrives next month. That I never got an email confirmation or that my credit card hasn't actually been charged (despite the Ticketed - October 12, 2008 message on the American Airlines website), I attribute to the general punishment that was yesterday. When whatever planet is in retrograde decides to snap out of it, I expect all to be righted. In other words, I cannot freaking worry about one more thing right now.

Which is why I've wisely (snicker) decided it's probably time to start dating again. You know, with the purpose of not spending the rest of my life thinking only about myself, and having someone else to make the other side of the bed (seriously, that's a lot of walking 'round and 'round). I'm STILL taking out the garbage every week (minus) and enjoying sole possession of the remote control (plus). Anyway, if you are reasonably tall, funny and do not intend to take me too seriously ever (and I mean EVER), please start lining up at my door. I like irises and hiking trips and I laugh in my sleep. That's pretty much all you need to know.

Ready... go!

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If time could stand still I am sure there are a million and one things that I could think about doing. But it doesn't and it has made me realise that I have to take life by the balls and roll with it.

 

It is amazing how you can regret something when it is all over and done. When you break someones heart or turn down a job opportunity that you thought was not for you. Times like this you sit back and think about all the people who have made some kind of impact on your life. The good, the bad and the ugly. It brings to mind a dear friend of mine, Paragon, who just recently broke up with his girl and he made a great statement. He told me that everyone thinks that he really perhaps didn't care about them because he isn't mopping around with a blade in one hand and a rope in the other. But he reconise that it is of no use to be all depressed about something that you tried your best to prevent. Hell! It really is over, why are you crying? And he has a point. Life does go on and it hurts like hell but it just won't help much if you give up on love and life because if you did then something even better might pass you by. As I say, peace of heart is peace of mind. Paragon is a great friend to me, has always been but in a time like this what do you tell someone who had such major plans for himself and the love of his life? I don't know what to say to him because there is nothing to say. I would probably put my foot in my mouth ( and he knows it). But I did tell him that as long as he knows he tried his best then it is fine because your best is always good enough right? Wrong!!! Yes, wrong. No one believes that bull. If I was hurting and I said that to me I would beat me up. I would whip me's ass!!! Because my best was obviously not good enough because she is not with me now is she? But Paragon is a sweet guy so he wouldn't tell me to get over it. And he is an amazing guy. Not only is he intelligent but he is kind and very talented( Please watch out for his album to be released soon) but in life I guess that nothing happens the way we plan. It isn't fair but it is the way it is supposed to be. It is the way your life is and was supposed to go all alng. It is written before your birth. I know we all want a re write now and then but there are no do overs in this script. Think of your life like a Broadway play. Now for those of us who don't know what broadway is, it is were my peep Brent is going. It is where plays are done. Like a movie but live so as jy droog maak... Sorry shame. Kan nie oor begin. But that is the glory of life. You make mistakes and learn. But like I have said some of us are still either stuck on stupid or some other kind of "will never change". But the fact that you can't do over is what is so amazing. You slip fall and yes you do make alot of eye balls but it is glorious because you are allowed to, just learn from it ok! If you don't well then you have missed the point and the mark...

 

So yes if you have also broken up with a love then I feel your pain but move on and if you don't then you are sitting back while tons of girls and guys pass your way. Because if he or she left you then you have to move on because they are moving on without you just fine. Love will come around again and it will be amazing! It will blow you away and you will fall like you fell before abd you won't make the same mistakes again because you have learnt from them...

 

Let this last forever

 Holding you in my arms feels so right

I pary that this moment could last forever

As I close my eyes I embrace you presence entirely

The smell of you enitces me completely

I love the scent of your skin and the touch of your hand

My heart can't help but skip a beat when you brush against me

 

When you look into my eyes I float away

Like those circus baloons on a windy day, far away

I feel safe in these arms that seem to hold the key to freedom

If this is what dreams are made of, please let is last forever

I never need to be without this bliss as long as I have you

Without your kiss, without your being

What we have is like the ocean, endless, turbulent yet so beautiful

Loving me for me is what you do so allow this to

Last forever

 

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Imagine that-you're driving down the road, your windows are up, and the radio is turned up...You look in your rear-view mirror, and you see those red and blue lights right behind you, flashing away... So you pull over to the side of the road... The policeman tells you that you were doing 70 km per hour in a 40 km zone. 

"License please," he says to you. Then, he proceeds to go back to his car, and sit inside forever. 
He comes back with a written declaration, officially declaring that you have broken the law. 

Now, one way or the other, you MUST make amends for this violation! 

Either you'll pay the fine, or you'll go to jail-but one way or the other, you WILL pay off this fine, whether you believe it or not! But man's not the only one that has a judicial system- God has one, too. 

Let's go back to the Garden of Eden, and hear what the One True Judge has to say:

Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." (Gen 2:15) 

Hear the Law of Almighty God- The day that you break MY LAW, and do what I command NOT to do, you shall surely die! 
Now you might not die that day, but God means that the day in which you sin, and break My law, you and I (Adam and God) shall be eternally separated. 

The government South Africa has a law... And Almighty God has a law, as well. 

If you break the government's law, you must pay the price... When you break God's law, there is ALSO a price to pay, plain and simple. "For the wages of sin is death..." (Rom 6:23)

 

"But I haven't been a bad person" I hear some say. Well have you heard about the 10 Commandments? That's God's Law!

 

Have you stolen, lied or used God's name in vain? If your answer is Yes, then you have broken God ‘s Law! If you break one, you break them all check James 2:10 "10 For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all." This verse illustrates that man is without excuse!

But our main verse today is this: Romans 7:24- "O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of death?"

Let me help share with you the symbolism of what Paul has just said.

In Paul's day, when he lived in Tarsus, if you committed a crime worthy of death, this was what they did...They would take the body of a dead man, and they would strap the body of the dead man onto the one who was condemned. And the condemned man would have to lug around that body of the dead man, until the diseased corpse would infect the one living, and eventually, he would die as well!

So Paul cried out, "O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of death?" I ask the same question tonight, Who shall deliver US, you and I, from this body of death? Have we broken God's laws?

Listen to the word...Psalm 14:1-3 "The fool has said in his heart, 'There is no God.' they are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none who does good. The LORD looks down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there are any who understand, who seek God. They have all turned aside, they have together become corrupt; there is none who does good, no, not one."

The Lord looks down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there any who understand, to see if there are any who seek God...My friends, you and I don't have what it takes on our own to seek God! Eph 2:1 declares, "And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others."

You and I were FACE DOWN, on the bottom of the pool!
We weren't drowning when God rescued us, we were face down dead! But, the question still stands, who will deliver us from this body of death that is strapped to us, and killing us?
As we saw in the Old Testament, God's penalty for breaking His law was death-South Africa has her law, and Almighty God has HIS law! Adam and Eve were created to live forever, in fellowship with God.

We have inherited their trespass!

Even if we don't commit the same sin that Adam or Eve did, but we still have inherited both their sinfulness, and their curse.This is why little children die, and all of creation is corrupt, and bursting at the seams, and perishing as we speak..."Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death passed to all men, because all sinned- (For until the law sin was in the world, but sin is not imputed when there is no law. Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who did not sin according to the likeness of the transgression of Adam, who is a type of Him who was to come. (Rom 5:12-14)

Death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who did not sin according to the likeness of the transgression of Adam.

Who shall deliver us from this curse, and this stinking body of death that is strapped to us?

Let's see if we can find the answer-let's turn to Romans chapter 3, verse 21..."But now the righteousness of God apart from the law has been revealed, being witnessed to by the Law and the Prophets..."But now, the righteousness apart from the law has been revealed...This is the key, right here in this verse.

The English word translated "righteous" is taken out of a Greek courtroom.
This word, Dikaios, means to be justified, or declared upright, or my favorite, NOT GUILTY!

The righteousness of God means that the Judge has heard your case, and He has made a declaration...And that is, NOT GUILTY!

But how? What can WE do to ever inspire the Judge to make that declaration? What kind of works can I do?
Romans 9:16 declares, "So then it is not of him that wills, nor of him that runs, but of God who shows mercy." So, you can't do it. This righteousness can not come about by any righteous deed. Doing good cannot get you into heaven-if it could, then God made a mistake, and Jesus died in vain.

Back to this text in Romans 3...21 "But now the righteousness of God apart from the law has been revealed, being witnessed to by the Law and the Prophets."

The righteousness of God has been revealed, and the entire Old Testament bears witness to it. That's what Paul meant here, "being witnessed to by the Law and the Prophets." Jesus declared: ‘Then He said to them, "O you foolish, and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken! Ought not the Christ to have suffered these things and to enter into His glory?" (Luke 24:25,26) And also: "For I say to you that this which has been written must still be accomplished in Me-the saying, 'And He was numbered with the transgressors.' For the things concerning Me have a fulfillment." (Luke 22:37) Jesus Himself tells us that its true-that the Law and Prophets spoke of Christ! Once again, Romans 3:21

21 "But now the righteousness of God apart from the law has been revealed, being witnessed to by the Law and the Prophets..."Meaning, another way has been established, so that a person can stand in that courtroom, and even have a chance.Verse 22..."even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ..."Even the righteousness of God...How? How does one acquire the righteousness of God?

Through faith in Jesus Christ. 

John 10:9-10 " 9 I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "

Now we're seeing what it means to be Dikaios, righteous before the Judge-verse 23 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.
 Here we have it! How can we unstrap that body from off of us? How can we come to the Judge?

What does it cost?

How much is the fine??? Here's 2 points:

1. We are justified FREELY

2. We are justified (declared FREE and CLEAR!) by the grace of God!

"For by grace you are saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." (Eph 2:8,9) Ephesians 2:8 and 9 prove this:

1. We are saved by the grace of God, and not by our own works.
2. It is the gift of God.
3. We are justified by our faith in Jesus Christ!

And like the Scriptures bear witness, and I said earlier, you and I were face down on the bottom of the pool...6 For when we were weak, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

If you are good, and perfect, and without sin, then this message is not for you. But, if you are in need of a Savior-A Deliverer-If you think that you might have a hard time standing before that Judge-"For when we were weak, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely on behalf of a righteous man will anyone die; yet on behalf of the good, perhaps someone might even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:6-8)

While we were still sinners, while we were dead in trespass and sin; God sent His Son down to earth, to die in our place!
Look at this verse, 2 Cor 5:21-"For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
 Jesus took that penalty upon Himself, so that we could be restored to God, and have everlasting life!

But so that you and I could stand in that courtroom, there was only one way, and one way alone!

Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (John 14:6)
We will ALL stand before the judgment seat of Christ-But what will that Judge say when He looks at you?

Who will He see?

Will He see you (clothed in your own unrighteousness), with that dead body strapped to you, cursed and decaying daily? (YOU, not the dead body!)

Or will He see Jesus Christ, His Son?

That's what it means when you hear it said, "Clothed in His righteosness." That's when you stand before God, and He doesn't see you, but He sees Jesus, His Son...God looks right through you, and slams that gavel down, and makes a proclamation! Who will the Judge see when He looks at you?

What will the proclamation be?

My friends, is God calling out to you today?

Is God asking you if you want that dead body that is strapped to you, taken off, once and for all?

Listen to the Apostle Paul-"...If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and you believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved." It's that simple. Now here comes that word again, in the next verse, Romans 10:10-10 For with the heart one believes resulting in RIGHTEOUSNESS, and with the mouth one confesses, resulting in SALVATION." Trust in Jesus Christ today! Nothing else matters. Everything else PALES in comparison!

No other decision in your life will ever compare to this!
Be justified before the Judge!

Let Him take away the dead body that is strapped to you, and killing you!

11 ‘For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him shall not be put to shame." God bless you all.

Nowhere does the Bible say that, after the Lord comes back, that a person gets a second chance. (Read Luke 13:24, and 2 Thess 2:10)
If you have any questions about salvation, and about how to obtain peace, peace with God, and the assurance that your name is written in the Book of Life, please contact me. I will help you find the way!

God is calling YOU today.

Will you listen today to His call?

Peace of Christ to you all,

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My thoughts crash around like waves against rock

I'm losin touch with myself

I don't know how to stop

I go hard against my heart

My mind's at work.. around the clock

I must finish this.. before I drop

I'm going to stop.. but before I do that

I must reach the top.. Overcome this mountain of NOT...

Not havin this Not havin that..

Not being able to sleep.. not going off my rock

This is a culture shock.. The culture we've got

Is already.. vrot

Coloureds...

Drinkin, makin gangs

Sellin drugs.. from a corner stand

This is what they think we stand for

But its this culture of NOT...

Not carin, Not sharin

Not trying to live.. instead we... trying to die

Stop being high.... stop just getting by..

Get up.. you gettin left behind again..

I'll be damned if I see that in my generation

This is post 94

But  people are still stressing

Still trying to survive

Trying to overcome this mountain of NOT

Not being able to get out the rut

This mountain of NOT is swak

But by FAITH I can cast this mountain of NOT

into the sea

Well... that's what the Word of God says to me

So now I exercise my right to be free.. from sin

Free from idolatry

Free from addiction...free from affliction

Free from mockery

I'm tearing down this mountain of NOT

and building an altar to God

I'm giving glory to what I've got

Because with God I've got allot

Allot of love so I give it, why not

Because this mountain of NOT

does not hold sway over me

It does not dictate the course of my life

It will not  be the death of me

I am not my forefathers so therefore I don't carry their curse

I am more than a overcomer

And I'm not scared of being driven off in a hearse

But before I go...

I have to, must and will overthrow...

This mountain of NOT!

 copyright: YCM 2008

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What are you doing?

Your life is really confusing

Amusing.. sometimes... delusions... just this last time?

You promised yourself you would try to unwind

and unpack all the crap, eish... but you don't want the responsibility from that.

You running, just face it.. Be a realist, and embrace it.

Perhaps if you re-instate faith, it'll be okay. No..who are you kidding..

Your life has no meaning..  so... which... way?

 

Did you ever ask yourself where you're headed?

Heaven or Hell yes I said it, just because you don't believe it exists doesn't mean that's a fact

Have you seen gravity when it holds you back, when you fall flat?

Heaven is real and Hell is worse then the withdrawal from crack

So your argument has no basis get that

It just furthers the disgraces

You will stand before God with egg on your faces

Reject Christ and you wasted

What does the Father require?

Your commitment to Christ is His heart's desire

That's so simple plus what's nice

He empowers you to overcome that vice

So relax with the excuses, your guilt eats at you but still you refuse it

God's grace don't misuse it - What are you waiting for - face the music!

 

Do you want to spend one more night with the frogs?

Pharoah had a chance for redemption - He chose death

That's his honourable mention

Jesus saved my soul and made me whole

No other made that claim - Your works before God come up lame

Make the change in Jesus name

"I am the way the truth and the life"

To the religions of the world that statement cuts like a knife

Jesus is the source of eternal life not religious strife

Repent and be saved - God's wrath destroys the most brave

Repeat after me ...

""Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you.

I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you.

Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son,

Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer.

I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the

rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

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Ha ha i don't think people know what they doing when they try and question your thoughts.

 

Die interview het my binne geslaan!

 

Aweh Ma se kend!

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I've decided to post my poem. I wrote it in 2007 . Its titled Young Coloured Male... it goes like this...

Young Coloured Male
Trapped in jail culture living like a vulture
You prey on the weak by selling drugs on the street
Your best friend's brother or father is your customer
No remorse you make money at all cost
For what ... a Porsche?
Of cause you have to floss
In the streets of Westbury you the boss
But is it really your fault that you're lost?
Blame the government of cause but the reality is that you're divorced from God's morality so now you force
You force your lack of humanity upon the souls of those who rape, steal and plunder our community
While we watch it go under
Our logic being "as long as my mother is tucked away, this community can get snuffed away the children mean nothing anyway; why must I worry where they play or lay their heads its not my problem life is hard in some many ways"
But hold on and be strong
A change is dawning and only the meek shall inherit the New Jerusalem!
But when in Babylon we do like Babylonians because only the heartless survive
Depraved and insipid people multiply true character is blown out through nostrils
another rock ------ star, another car for the true survivor of the ghetto ills
The dealers of pills and social ills
Mr. Personality the causer of our calamity
Our heroes? The real zero's of this world
Zero feelings, zero guilt, zero blood spilt
In God's eyes I stand a man justified, wait till your soul is really tried access to paradise denied take a ride...
Welcome to Hades where the devil is the only guy with a Mercedes
Young Coloured Male what are you chasing?
Real wealth is good health
Mercy, grace and humbleness
Smiles and shiny faces, faith in Christ to save us
Houses not in slums, global villages minus scum living as one
Together with my brother, we disciple one another and still another
My mother is your mother; your father is my father
Our community stands in unity...
Am I making sense at all?
I suppose it doesn't matter, you do what you do
But Christ did it all ... for you ...
Young Coloured Male

copyright: YCM 2007

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Traditional therapy is based on talking and, in my experience, talking about problems only serves to dig them in deeper. I regard the orthodox psychiatric methods, for all their useful insights, to be highly innefficient and self indulgent, leading to re-inforcement of negative personality traits.Which is why so many people spend years in therapy and are still as neurotic as when they started. They hide behind endless ego-derived speeches about how wrong they are or how bad they feel, farting away years just talking about themselves and their imagined problems. Personality engineering/re-engineering, ja right, whatever.

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Always when I mess-up I have so much “why’s”. Nothing is ever my fault I seem to blame everything and everyone else possible so things can make sense in my biased mind. It is so amazing that having a few fulfilling years can make a person so oblivious to what is important and what makes you truly happy in life. So here I am again in that oh so familiar territory captured so beautiful by the old cliché “the consequences of your action” something we always like to imagine doesn’t exist due to our swollen egos and taking for granted what we have. Let me yet for another time examine some of these self inflicted symptoms: Time seems to stand still in this period of depression as you just want to get through this turmoil, what feels like an hour to you is but two minutes in reality. Then there is “the thought” you know the same thing you have been thinking about hour in hour out day in day out. With questions like why was I so stupid. What did I do to deserve this? Can’t I just sleep a while and when I wake up everything was but a dream? Then there are the mind statements of denial. “If it wasn’t for him or her I wasn’t going to be in this crap or fuck it this was inevitable I couldn’t do anything to stop this, life was going to turn out this way anyway. Well then I try to console myself and this huge emptiness in my chest by imagining myself into the future being happy again laughing and having a good time like I used to have. Drilling into my head that time heals all and I am sure after two weeks or so my heart will be healed. All this is so true but at this stage I am all broken and incomplete. Hope and the will to survive is what differentiates us humans from other beings and I guess the hope that I eventually will be myself again is what keeps me going. All this emotional turmoil sounds so serious it’s hard to believe that this is but a girl saying I am no longer taking your abuse “its over I don’t want you anymore and I don’t love you anymore”.

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Option 1

The happiest years of my life were when I had nothing and was owned by nothing. Now years later I wonder  how it was I sold my soul. No dramatic blood pact with a material devil, just a long slide into comfort. Anarchy sounds like a decadent luxury or the stink of primitivism. I have lots of nice things, warmth or coolness, anything I could want to eat, an endless supply of junk to buy. Would I risk it all for freedom? I am not sure and that worries me. The writing is on the wall, but I choose not to see it. So now I am catching flak for my cavalier attitude. No world tours without the sweat of the proletariat. This would not even be published without the establishment superstructure. No bread, No art. But I won't fault you for it. Pretend all you want. I would rather be in the mountains myself. Just do not forget that most of us are grounded in mundane reality. If you cannot reach us, you are just fooling yourself. Acting like it matters, knowing it does not.

Option 2

The happiest years of my life are right now. I was poor for too long and it was crap. Nor do I believe souls can be sold. Who is selling? Who is buying? What does the currency look like? The most decadent luxury of all is to lie back in comfort, gently flagellating oneself for having sold one's soul. In fact I simply must try it later. Ours is an age of reason. An age of line and measure. Reason will make nature a whore bound for our pleasure, and set  us high on glorious thrones as masters of the universe. And you? If you were given leave to do anything, anything at all with none to judge or punish you, none to say enough, no more. How far would you go? Further than we have gone? Look at you! You wanted it! What did you ever do to stop us? Guilty, All Guilty. You must not worry about me. I was told that only those with weak and cowardly natures abandon themselves to sorrow. Suffering is a vanity. They remake the world with words and in the image of their dreams. The rest of us must then live in it. Stupid human beings! Little human beings! Too late, we have what you wanted, ours now. What I wanted? Ours now. Your cynicism is vindicated. I stand revealed as a naive dreamer, always talking of changing the world, yet unable to see what lies in front of me, Lies. Knowing you know all this, saying it anyway, filling up space.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Gibberish

Are you prepared to use the weapons of the Enemy against the Enemy? Whether thats Right or Wrong is 1 of the fundamental questions. I wish people would question themselves and things they take for granted. Something as simple as the curious doublethink which makes guns and killing Absolutely Wrong when the guns are in the hands of ghettoized black kids in South Central L.A. But Absolutely Right when those same kids are wearing U.S. Army uniforms and shooting people in Iraq!

More gibberish

Whe the cities run with blood. And you drink our health in mud. All flesh be gone.(from the song 'Poor skeleton steps out' on Oranges and Lemons by Xtc. 

 

  

 

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Today my blog is gonna be different in comparison to the usual stuff I post. I'm not sure if I'm being unusaully sensitive or just seeking understanding. To hear that you're not the only person feeling something or that you're not hopelessy insane for feeling that way has a rather good effect on your ego (if you know what i mean).

So I have this friend who is like totally my other half, inseperable used to be an understatement for us... Things have changed though... A couple of weeks ago we started fighting over the most moronic things ( I mean seriously stupid stuff)...

It didn't bother me really because in every relationship where 2 people share as much as we did fights are bound to occur. But then the heart breaking tragedy of my seemingly pathetic life happened.... My friend gave upi faith in a friendship that meant no still means more than life to me... My backbone, my strength, the voice inside my head and out is gone... Desserted and left with no closure.... Why???

 What have I done that was so terrible to suffer a loss this great... Why does everybody keep saying it'll be ok when clearly I don't feel ok.... Why do people choose the most vulnerable times (and of course the time when you're the most irrational person) to try and give you advise?? Do they think what they say before they decide that they're trained proffesionals in the psychological field??

Why would anybody think that i would see reason when they probably haven't shared half of what we have together??

Why do i wanna claw my eyes out? Am i trying to stop the tears or am I trying to divert the pain in my heart?

I don't have the answers, but maybe someone out there does...

Do I really wanna know the answers though?

All I know  and am positive of is that I miss my dear friend and life seems unbearable... Reality has taken it's toll... DO I LOVE MY FRIEND MORE THAN I HAVE CHOSEN TO BELIEVE?!?

Somebody, anybody, pwwweeeeeeeeeeesssssss HELP...

 

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Johann Friedrich Blumenbach (May 11, 1752 – January 22, 1840) was a German doctor and physiologist whose studies related to classification of human races. On the basis of his craniometrical research (analysis of human skulls), Blumenbach divided the human species into five races: the Caucasian race or white race; the Mongolian or yellow race; the Malayan or brown race; the Negroid, or black race; and the American or red race. How he linked Craniometrical research to skin color is baffling. 

 To continue reading - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Friedrich_Blumenbach

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Autumn….
My favourite time of the year. I love sweater / jersey weather, and the rush of cool wind that sends leaves dancing around your ankles. I love the smell of cooking in autumn…apple pie, chilli and homemade bread….
The leaves seem to turn colours overnight, one day still a bright green and then in a blink, they are falling stars of orange, littering the yards with bright colours, reminding us of the turn of the wheel, the cycle of seasons is upon us again.
I feel closer to nature when the weather starts to dip. Winter’s bone-chilling freeze and summer’s sultry heat just aren’t in the same league as autumn. This time of year, you can wake up to a yard frosted with rime and leaves, and then by midafternoon it is warm enough to remove your coat when you are out working in the garden. The Harvest Moon lights the night for you as the sun sets earlier and earlier.
Coffee tastes better when the air is crisp. Apples are sweeter, senses are more alive overall.
I love my new autumn decoration that I made, a cinnamon broom decorated with orange and red leaves and a bright orange flower. A testament to the changing of the seasons, the turning of the wheel, the next part of the cycle. In autumn we begin to recede, to go to ground, huddle around for the dark and cold nights we know are coming.
Yet autumn is not without promise…we plant the bulbs we know will bloom in spring. We put our gardens tenderly to bed with layers of new-fallen leaves to keep the tender seedlings warm thruout the coming winter.
Autumn is tricky–it seems like a time of ending when yet it is a time of beginning as well. For does not everything that sleeps eventually awaken? Does not light always follow dark, as day follows night? Thus is this time of cycling the same. We say good bye to the summer sun, finish the rest of the harvest, yet at the same time, we lay the seeds for that which is yet to come.
I give thanks for this time of change, this chance to reap and sow.
I give thanks for the crisp mornings and fresh fallen leaves.
I give thanks for the crisp wind, the bright-edged sunlight that paints the trees in splashes of oranges and yellows.
I give thanks for this time of year, this cycle of seasons.

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There are days when I want to go back to times when everythign was simpler. No worrying about anthing. Then I slap myself and realise it was nothing more than a sweet dream that some how got blown away by the wind of " messed it all up".

 

I say this because like I have said before, we make everything so complicated. Especially when we lie. Now I know that both sexes, male and female know what it feels like to be in a situation where you are being lied to or you are lying. It hurts, whether you are a guy or a chick. But why do we do it? Because what we have at the moment is not good enough. What we have in a relattionshop is just not "what we expected". But why not just come out and say it? Because we cannot risk loosing the sure thing for the maybe. I know, stupid! No, true. It is for this reason ladies that your man is busy chattign up his ex and for the same reason you feel because he is doing this that perhaps you should. It is for this reason that relationships are stuck on the same stop for years. Alot of so called successful relationships fail all the time and only because some idiot( male or female) didn't have the guts to tell you to take a hike! It is because you are too afraid to take a risk of being with someone who is just not for you in anyway possible. I speak about relationships because they are usually the cause of your disfunction. Don't act like you don;t know!!! You see, hear or find something you don;t like and you turn into someone you didn't know existed. You turn into a blood thirsty, bitchy, needy stalker who just cannot let go. You throw your toys out of the cot and if pushed even further you tend to cause harm. And who can blame you? No one but yourself because we tend to get stuck on stupid for all the crazy reasons. It is like smoking. It is bad for you but boy oh boy does it hit the right spot. One puff and it is all better. I don't want to tell you how to live your life or who to love. But at soem point we all have to realise that self love is the start to all possibilities. And no, I didn't watch Oprah. I just believe that if you take even just 15 minutes out of your day to be with yourself and realise just how great you are, everyone around you will see it to. Perhaps even that idiot who lies and cheats on you and who sits up all night chatting to his spare and keeps track of the latest MXIT scandal to check the young naked girls and who  stopped taking you out to chill with his friends and who won't touch you with a ten foot pole and who would rather be out drinking than home with you and who would prefer to make dates with the ex to " hook up for coffee" with the "old crew"... Yes you know it is the way it is and there is no ther way there is. So be good to you boys and girls. Really. Just be you and that will be good enough. Get your hair did, buy a new sexy fit jeans and low cut top. Go out and buy yourself a drink because you are good to you. Beyonce said it better when she said: Let's go lil kitty cat. That's right, you and kitty will be just fine. And the same goes to the gents. Get that new Uzzi t shirt you wanted with the KG jeans. You buy yourself a drink and be good to the one person you can depend on.

 

Simple. That's right. It is as simple as changing your g-string. Remember that the only time someone can take away your inner self worth is if you allow them to. So leave the Dear John letter if you like or ask the Question Who do you love. But whatever you do my friends be good to you and stay true to you, always.

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In college I drew the short end of the straw and got a campus job in the dish room. The only thing worse than working the dish room was having the breakfast shift in the dish room at 6 a.m.  I have bad luck. (While we’re talking about it, I’d like to apologise for the day that I forgot to put soap in the machine for my entire shift.) There are worse jobs than scraping gooey scrambled eggs intertwined with paper napkins off plates, but when you are 17-years-old, you are too stupid to be grateful.

I went to school at T.C.U. Texas Christian University -Fort Worth and back then, there was no air conditioning in the kitchen. I hope they’ve figured another way to make folks carry the cross, so to speak. There’s a lot of steam and smoke (not from smoking, these were fundamental Baptist students) in a dish room. If you remember the scene where Dorothy meets the Wizard of Oz, dish rooms are kind of like those smoking contraptions. It’s hot, it’s steamy, but not in a romantic sort of way. There were two dishwashing people vs. 400 students at a meal. That’s a lot of hard work and bad odds on any day.

I’ve never been afraid of hard work; I just haven’t always been especially good at it.  The students would line up at a small hole cut into the wall and dump their plates at the dish person. The wall was to hide the human behind it, so they could shove their stuff fast, carelessly, and without putting the silverware in the appropriate bin and still have a clean conscience. I don’t know what’s wrong with people these days.

Ten minutes before the hour, there’s a huge influx of students dumping their dishes in order to make it to class on time. I was flustered at the incredible amount of multi-tasking and speed in which I had to work. I am methodical, detailed, and particular. I like my stuff alphabetized, clean, and in order. I do not enjoy dealing with mass volumes that have to be moved on a large scale at high speed. But I’m also competitive, so I aimed to conquer the thing and develop a method to scrape, stack, and run the bin in one successive motion. By the end of the semester, I could handle a shift on my own.

That strategy I learnt back in college, i believe, is going to help when I have a family of my own. I will be able to deal with the small heard of people who will probably leave gooey things on their plates and sometimes dump stuff at/on me in warp speed like I’m the maid with Go-Go-Gadget functionality. I'll be a super mom who's more than capable of doing 5 different things at one time.

Back then in college,  it was just a job so I could support myself financially. I didn't think much of it then. What could i have learnt about cleaning after people? Now, I realise it was more than a job.  It was an opportunity to develop a great work ethic that I've carried with me througout my life. I also learnt how to juggle studies and a job successfully. Another lesson would be service.

 Kitchen staff at eateries are hardly recognised for their hard work. Whenever I go out to eat, i always tell the waiter to thank the kitchen staff including the dishwashers.  

It's amazing when you realise that no matter how insignificant a job may seem there are valuable  lessons to learn and so many opportunities to put them to good use. 

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I sit here trying to feel, or understand what I'm feeling. But there's nothing. Im numb. It saddens me to think that I don't or can't feel anything. I am one who relies on emotions to tell me if I'm write or wrong, instinct, if one can call it that.

Maybe, just maybe, just for once, I am to rely on my mind to help me.  I think that I am supposed to "think". Now this sounds so contradictory right now, because I tend to think a lot. But when it comes to actually making the final decision, my emtoions/instinct kicks in and i go with what I am feeling at that moment in time.

But right now, I am trying so hard to feel, yet NO EMOTION! It feels like a piece of me has died. I am a Woman, a being made of emotion. Yet today I cant seem to feel a thing....I feel paralysed, crippled by this lack of...

 

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