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I'm am jus plain and simple wiellietjie choeps and tires with this stuff. I have too much stock.

So I am urgently selling all of my ISSUES. And jus like a charro is all going for half price.

Some are brand spanking new, like the peeps that are gonna tell me that I should've posted this on the 4SALE phorum.

Some are approved used issues...some are issues I didn't know I had..and some are issues people have wit me.

Here the down low on the goods to go.
This special once in a lifetime offer comes with :

Relationship issues.

This has become too big for me...I prefer relationboats.
Issues included here are:

Creative Lying skills for an honourable reasons, and still getting the hell skelled out of me.
Not understanding that theres a difference between paying for sex and paying for sex in a relationship.
Thinking that jewelry = blowjobs
Thinking that BJ's are not cheating...Can you define the term blowjob..that word does not constitute sex.

And for all those lotto winners out there

Finance issues

Tired of have having a saltless end of the month salty crack.
Dealing with loan sharks, loan tigers and even loan monkeys.
Having to corrupt bruin-ou's working in da bank to slaat ‘n smok.
Having to shuffle bills...you know pay markhams this month and edgars only next month. I'm probably gonna end up paying for my funeral 2 years after I have died. Having an entertainment allowance that comes from not paying other accounts.
Not having people comprie (going half & half) when buying alcohol...and its always the leiseste peeps who suip the most.

But that's not all, you also get

Law issues

Having my own keys to the courts want ek loop so baie hof. Paying papshelt for 5 years and then finding out the kid-ou is not my laaitie. Ek was getrap.
My issue with drinking and driving...I don't have an issue with this but the meddies and gattas do. I personally think it an art form and should be listed as a national sport in the Olympics.
Having a gold plated name plate on a private cell in all police stations in Pretoria. I only have two bronze plated ones in JHB so far.
Gattas troubling me when I just wanna blom and drink somewhere. There's no fuggen signs that say drinking is not allowed at the parking lot of the traffic department.

Are you tired of having fat issues, well say no more I say...here you can have thin issues

Weight issues.

So I'm a maar gat with a boeppens. I'm am still in shape. That is a shape !!!!
So what if I am on a whiskey diet, I lose 7 days...I never said I'm dieting to lose kilograms.
I am told that drinking and throwing up is not a diet....what the fug..it then worked for Kate Moss.
I have a high metabolism and I like it..go toor some one else you....CENSORED

Do you have no stress at work, do you have nothing to do...is your name MUNKY..we have the issues for you here

Work issues

So I love my job and I'm successful...doesn't mean I'm sleeping with tha boss.
If I'm babelaas at work and stinking like I played on the mine dumps near horseshoe..doesn't mean that I will forget what...uhmm...uh...vitsek I work fuggen hard to look busy.
It shows creativity at work to be able to make excuses like " I died last nite and have to make funeral arrangements today." I am complitent to wek hat four my chelletes

Included in the offer, the all new and improved...

Jealousy issues

Eish I put the lousy in jealousy. Even though it seems I have everything...I don't wanna be a lonely fool....damn Riggs for putting that song in my head.
Got lost there a moment...It seems I have everything mense but I'm just as lys as you...I have skills on how to hide it.
Whats up wif the ou-ens en the car jealousy...fuggen shyte. Cos I'm driving a BMW now I skinnered about that I have a klein tottiekie. Stupits...My first car was a mini and nobody called me JB groot piel then. Also cos I'm driving a slut...doesn't mean I'm after your toothless, kroes hare het lankal opgegee en huis toe gechise, skool mattress ghetto bicycle, koekie het dredds en lyk soos ‘n vrot patat met sour cream dip, lyse tussen die lieste, spyt haar kielie blye met doom, hoer van ‘n slet gadagtes en gang bang LADY...of the night.

Sien julle wat se kak en mee moet deal. Die shyte is for free..a give-away. No refunds.

The above issues automatically leads to the below issue at no extra cost...Just like  kissing causes sex and then you getrap and the you go crazy...

Mentality issues

I was a scizo, but were fine now. If I come up with sumthing that people don't understand is not cos I'm fugged up, it's cos I think outside of the box that the box came in. People can't understand that I do not suffer from insanity but enjoy every moment of it. Like when I'm scizo...I'm neva alone...I hals myself without having to hurt anybody and if I become a bit psyco I can help myself beat myself up. I'm then my own best friend and worst enemy.
Become temporary insane and putting on a maak laat ek vris lyk vessie used to work when I had a gun...nou I jus get gemoer...this issue discounted by 95%

Is that all, no sannie..we mos not that tite assed...we don't sell you rice by the number or atchaar by the mangoes...what you've all been waiting for...the cream of the dop...


Chat addiction

Eish not an easy issue to handle...ne FOXXY wat al lankal wou retire en is nog steeds a die hard. I chat cos I was once funny (dronk) en now I seek attention. I can't handle it anymore. I am now drinking and surfing and it is cutting into my drinking and driving hobby.
I never used to believe strange people...but that's all over now...Now I believe people when they say they 22 when they really 26 and the next day they 20. I still luvs ya CHAN...age ain't nutting but a number.
Forgetting that chatting honestly anonomously don't work when chat in reality. Cos reality is just a figment of the imagination of a sober mind.


If I don't stop here I'm pretty soon gonna have a : trying to hard to be funny and get attention in a phorum that no-one except the DIE HARDS read issue.


All issues sold are non returnable and not refundable...vitsek...ek het jou nie geforce of met ‘n stomp byl geslaan nie. Gaan haal jou thugs...ek het nog my skiet enige fukker just cos I can issue.

All issues are used at your own risk..if you a stupid american that can't think for youself about the dangers of the issues you buy...we recommend you bring along a 4 year old south African to advise you...If you still try and sue me I haals you wit my "los bitches by florida lake issue" or my "los daai p0*es wat my cousin met ‘n roshie will gedrug het se kaal gat in soweto in" issue.

Please send your your cash, cheques and welfare money to :

JB (PeeEishDee, BDronk; Carling university sports bar in colab wit nite spot worsrolletjies)

Hoek van dop en drink. Teenoor die munisipale skud - Nee foxxy, dis nie ‚n bash nie dis die SPCA.
Featherfoot farm
PO cardboardBOX 696969
Suip Africa

Delivery courtesy of pierie wierie

Current Account-after payment it will be history and you be da suckers.
Number I124q2ni8

Please note:

All names and faces in the above topic has been changed to protect the not so innocent and to use it against them until further developments....

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of These Issues, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. These issues warp time and space in their vicinity. Mass of These Issues Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight

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  Here come the powerful herbalsmoker to challenge any problem of bruin-ou who suffer. Boss JB spent 13 years with his majimbos and a Snoop Dogg DVD on mountain by reservoir smoking all types of herbs to defeat all mankinds problems & where dunjah and mint have failed.

Use experience and vuil gedagtes to find bottle store open after 11 pm on a Sunday night. He can look through the eyes of empty black label bottle to discover your future. Use his magic stick for fertility to trap boyfriends. Only herbalist to hit once, hit twice and cure the baddest chick. Calling of short boys, the laaities wif oukapies, to sort out your enemies. Uses haarlemensies en vesterkdruppels to heal all alements. Peenis elargment easy with germalin, deep heat and nandos extra hot peri peri for taste in bed that shaya nice baba, nice !!! Vaginia tightening with a 13 spanner. Hire rats, snake, morogo oil, stoep sitters, Vim, cobra polish and handy andy to bring money and cleaning of house. Creations of free dash from rehab herb.

 

This is the time for everyone, rich or poor, Nca or vuilgat, to change his or hearse lifes. In this year everyone with the problems I want to get rid of them.What is better to solve the problems on own or see Boss JB.

 

Corner Gull and Bill opp Sam's Sports bar

For a nice time call Riggs on 0828139983

Come unarmed wif lottsa sjeld for better results and free lesson on trust.

 

 

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Haven't we all runs these drunken laps. No i'm not talking about you dronklappe, although you know you are, but I'm talking bout drunken LAPS, that we all have run at one time or another. Those that drink of course !!!

Hmmm, so JB...What is a drunken lap you ask ??? Well it depends. Have you ever forgotten what you did after a night of drinking...you have well then you probably ran a drunken lap the night before.

From sumthing as simple as being loud and obnoxious in a club....to waking up in an airplane...to God knows where...and have a hairy armpitted stewardess shove a filthy hot facecloth on yer face.

RërRáì ‘vdpÞ� �B¼hjg...she said to me....which must have meant "Hell we could use your breath as jet fuel the way you reeking !!" or she might have sworn at me but then again what am I doing on Ruski Air.

I've run a marathon of drunken laps myself, sometimes in reverse, not on purpose hey. My laps have ranged from falling asleep in a girls dorm, right up to being locked up with murderers and rapists and wondering what's gonna happen to my poepol gaaitjie.

Waking up and wondering where the furk you are...hospital, church, on top of the house roof...and wondering why the girl you were in bed with is putting on a school uniform and asking you to take her to Fairvale Secondary School....and then wondering why the school isn't in pretoria were you thought you were; but the schools in Durban.

Well you go through some furking weird emotions bra. You made it to the finish line alive, not quite sure how you got there. Frantically calling your brassens and lying to try and found out what happened. "Watse kak het ons angevang hond ?" You hope everthing was fine but you fear the worst and wondering if that dream you had wasn't for real. Yip it was, that skurve meddie/oukie you were with last night, you WERE with last night.

I've run my fair share of drunken laps. Ja I got nca and lelike files.

Have you run a drunken lap lately.

JB

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I run around you, you think you surrounded

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Kretsch

(crèche)

 

I loved my crèche days, before we seprationalized ourselves into main-ous and the vaal-ous. We didn't know, we didn't care.

 

When we went to crèche we became miniature psychopaths. I guess that's why crèche was jail-like. I mean you had a high fence around it. You were given meals and a chance to play in da yard. Most of the time you were locked up until your parents bailed you out.

 

Now I mighta been fcuked up as a child, with my toppie blowing second hand zol smoke in me face. But I swear teacher Margie, who ran the place, looked just like Liewe Heksie. Ahhh good ol' days....but if I think about it nowadays, the crèche was a bastion of child abuse.

 

Lights-out (nap time) sometimes really meant lights-out. Your buddy might've got a hiding cos he didn't wanna sleep, but you mighta gotten the backlash, sommer so a buckle on the kop....lights-out. I swear uncle Donald musta been a belt wielding ninja. You could get a hiding around the corner and you didn't even see it coming.

 

After lunch we were allowed to go play on weapons of child destruction...coated in lead paint nonetheless. We would swing quite high...like we were trying to do a 180° turn. But we never got so far and rather jumped off the swing at it's highest point, thinking we were Raboobie. Ninja Donald gave you three smacks with the belt even before you hit the ground.

 

There was the jungle gym...the I'm king o the crèche masterpiece. Whoever sat right at the top was the hond...and we were small...so the jungle gym to me was like the Empire state building. One day I decided fcuk this I'm going right to the top....i fell down on a bar...it was like Stone Cold Steve Austin personally giving me a back breaker.

 

I swear I could've braaied bacon and eggs on the metal slide. And I've been down a slide in more positions then I've had sex.....fcuk you gareth for wysing me to go head first....ya I know now what a grass and sand sandwich tastes like. And there was this rocking horse thing....and there was always a long strong naaier in the front of it, jumping like his life depended on the motherfcucker. Being a kleintjie I sat at the back, balls being cracked by each jump and falling off onto the merry go round, the 2nd best form of self induced vomiting next to a finger in your throat.

 

All too sudden home time came, one by one we were bailed out....until it was me....alone...wheres my fcuken parents. I looked like a SPCA puppy waiting to get out.  The fcukers done forgot to pick me up from crèche. What kinda parents are you.....eish new government parents even before we knew there'd be a new government. To this day I still imagine my mother saying...where's JB...I guess he's sleeping...oh well. I'm still at the fcuken miniature prison you sent me to mom. The best of all...I got a hiding because they forgot to fetch me.

JB

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I was a 14 nommer in creche...halfway there to being a 28

 

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Yes, most of your already think I'm special...in a "your parents must be retarded cos you sure are special!" sense of the word.

However lately I have been wondering if I have special powers. Yip I can shoot sticky white stuff like Spiderman but its just not the same. ;) Of late I have just known things about people that I shouldn't. To a point where people have asked whether I am stalking them, accusing their friends of betraying them by telling me stuff.

I have for a while told myself its just really good guesswork that it is logical deductions. Then I realized my guesses really aren't that good cos I haven't managed to get more than two numbers in the lotto. It definitely can't be the start of me losing my mind, that's been gone a long time already.

Are some of us blessed/cursed with powers we do not want to acknowledge? Is it merely re-births into this world that gives us the experience to know? Is it merely playing a song, stopping to write to words, rewinding and playing it again...then knowing what would be sung......even though hhhhhmmmmmmyyeaaaaahgirl uhhhhnaaaaa weeeedooopdedooo isn't quite the way the lyrics are but what you wrote down anyways. Not knowing how to express what you're feeling.

So I have powers, but what good are they if they make people cry. Not everyone wants to know their own truths, hell most of us have fought long hard battles to either shape the truth into what we wanna see or just forget it completely.

Too bad my powers don't work on me...but if you have powers, gimme a call. I'm ready to face the truths.

 

JB

-----------------------------------------------

Why are you wearing black ?

 

 

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So far I seen Poort, Toekies (speedmountains) , Riverlea, Bosmont, Newclare, Westren all got too friggin much speedbumps. Horseshoe you might say is unaffected, neva bru they got reverse speedbumps...namely moerse potholes.

Now I have a theory on how this happened. One laaitie, in his drinking driving wisdom must've been trying to show off and moered himself into a aunty's tree or even the house . The Aunty is now sick of this and she mos got connections in the city council so she makes a plan. Low and behold the first speedbump gets built. Aunty is happy, and ouens not realizing there's a speedbump around da corner fcuk up their suspensions and a few Golfs lose their Cressida lips.

But now the one speedbumps in da road almost becomes a starting line for more speedink, so neighbours down the road complain they also want one. Hauwa the Council says, it costs a lot of money...ons kan nie elke Tony, Dean en Harry accommodate nie. Ons mense vat mos nie net sommer kak soos daai nie , so peeps start building their own speedbumps...sommer met klippe, spruitjie sand, cement, tamalykie stroop, prestik, ou nappies etc.

Council check waste kak vang die bushies weer an, they remove some money from child welfare, the new police station, the hospice, the clinic...just not out their pockets mind you, and they start putting up speedbumps every 30 centimeters in the road.

En toe bou hulle nog traffic circles, fok om ons net meer te confuse.
En daai klein ten at a time speedbumps orso causing havoc, not that they slow people down...is net die meide laik oor dit ry vir die vibrations , remoer op en af in dieselfde straat die whole day.

I have seen some people sommer dig up a speedbump...not cos it's retaliation, hai die mense nodig die teer vir hulle nuwe driveway. In Toekies they sommer spin the bumps flat.

I believe the speedbumps are a ugly necessity, kyk hier, ons willie weer ‘n situation heh nie waar Ollie oor die lektrik draade gestamp word nie but dang its in excess...12 speedbumps in a road that's only 2 km long....mense fokken teach your chilrens about street safety first man...En waar de Fok is Daantjie Kat deesdae .

Ek like om te bump neh but pretty soon moet ek round slaat in a kidney belt hond. G'n wonder ek bly dronk die bumps skud al die alcohol uit my lewer uit.


JB
-----------------------------------
Julle toun is so erg julle speedbumps het speedbumps

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JB...
JaaaaaaayBeeeee

huh. who am I speaking to ?

This DSTV thing of yours is not working !

What...I'm sleeping here....

Your DSTV is not working...come fix it.

Its the channel shuffle ma...its supposed to happen.

Well TBN is no longer on 77......it showing me 341...how do i get it back to 77.

You can't its the new channel numbers like in europe !

Lyk ek wit vir jou....come out and put it back.

It 2:30am i'll do it later......like tomorrow evening.

Did Jesus wait to die for your sins..Noooo...come fix it.

what are you watchin ?
TBN on 341 but I don't know where the Food Channel is..?

The food channel isn't even on at this time. it stops at midnight !

Its not that it's the principle of it!

Did you not watch the channel shuffle ads ? ....Yes I did and i did that DSD thing ...but they must send someone here how must i watch now??...
..uhn read the dish magazine...they explain it there.

No..they should've been more concise.
Ma the ads...
..No ads they just wanna sell me a mop !

A mop ? am i dreaming this?
No you know those glo mail people...where's my TBN ???

Why are you even awake this time ma ?
Its me and five roses...just wait till you older and can't sleep through the night...
..what does this have to do with anything ??..
..if you went to church you'd know !!!

If I went ....Ma is the channel shuffle...the channels changed...please check the dstv guide to where you wanna be.

I tell you if this carries on i'm no longer gonna pay these people...let them see where they get their money from !!!

Ma I am paying your DSTV...what you on about..was TBN even on 77, WTF is TBN???

If you went to church you'd know. I'm not sure if it was on 77 but its the principle !!

I'm going back to to sleep !

I better have everything the way it was...
Is not gonna be like that..remember the chanel shuffle thing...
Why can't i choose what I want where I want ???

Things change.....it won't be the way it was !
You mean like after 1994?
Ja ma something like that....you'll be getting so much more !

I didn't get more after after 1994...??
..ma its a 3:15am..its done its not gonna change..just deal with it.




JB
---------------------------------------------
If God wants people to suffer he sends them too much understanding !

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Superman Returns as a coloured !

I mean I saw the movie, I saw what he did and if that ain't typical coloured then I don't know what is ?

He missed his court appearance.

He made a laaitie from Louis Lane and then disappeared for 5 years...dodging that papsjeld.

He goes to work and does what exactly ??? I didn't see him doing any reporting...Hy doen fokkol...I swear on his PC was the Bruin-Ou.com chat page.

When Louis asks him if he'll be around..he wys her straight.."I always slaat round."

Hy like tabbas..he sommer peeped straight through Louis Lanes curtains...he sommer fly into space to hear all the tabbas of the world.

They shoot him in the eye with a bullet and it bounced of...jarre daais mos nou wat ek noem vuil kyk. :_b_link__:

He started the whole S-Curl thing...only by him it was the one lock of hair on his forehead.

When he found out Louis was seeing another ou...where was the first place he went....straight to the bar.

Is it a bird, is it a plane...neeeevvvaaaa is Super-Ou.

JB
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Drinking Tall Beers in a Single Bound

 

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Junior Boarder

The more read this the more I check what kuk is this....what is a junior boarder. I mean must I go sit at the small table when posting ? Do my posts excuse themselves when the adult posts are talking about "none of my business" . It's sounds like I've only hit the puberty of posting. No wonder all the threads I post on just up and die a horrible death...Junior Boarder seems to equal Post Killa in my case.

I mean fresh boarder still sounds nice, like its clean or something.....like a minty fresh smell. And gold boarder sounds mos highbuck...I don't even know the in between rankings.

Platinum boarder...now this is an excellent one, makes me wanna do it like I'm doing it for TV

And then theres all the other Titanium boarder, Uranium Boarder, Brass boarder; [insert precious _meta_l here] boarder types...

But what really grates my chops is the whole expert boarder...who blerrie made them experts :_b_link__:...they just nodding and chooning "me too, I agree". Expert se foot in a visblik .zip dit in a ziebie-blik.

Senior boarders moes al lankal old age home toe gegaan het. Will hulle nog kom 16valves hier kom hou.

This is plain and simply boarderpartheid, boarderprofiling; a boarderspricy...dare I say it...Boardergate.

JB
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The Original Laaitie Boarder

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I was just watching a plastic surgery show ...and this meddie done got her a boob reduction ...nothing wrong right? But then she goes and says...."They much perkier, and the not as much maintainance !"


maintanance? maintainance?? maintainance ???

WTF is boob maintanance.....ladies how do you maintain a boob?? is this meddie alone in her preservation of boobdom ??

Is it like before you go to bed at night you swirl that tittie ?
Does it have it's own pajamas whatkine ?
Ya gotta service them every 15000 km
Do you have to nikkei cermic him in the mornings ?
Does Mr Min even play a role ?

No please man tell me its not true....


JB
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I'm not a mechanic...but I'll take a look anyways

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I never really thought about the use of acronyms till I realized I work for an acronym, I drive an acronym (BMW), my nickname JB is an acronym, and I'm using an acronym (IBM PC)to write this kuk.

But today it went just too far, it was the last quart that broke JB's boggle.
We were three bra's having a smoke break talking kuk (3BHASBTK).
I let rip with ou Munky's harde joke ekse: "Jy's so lelik as jy verby die Kretsch loop skree die kinders OOM MAAK WEER !!"

My one bra is krulling himself, en ek kwyl van die lag. That's when the other bra, in all his infinite domgeid steps back, strokes his ginger kid bokbaartjie and says in his very larney voice, "LOL man LOL !!" . I look at my bra :_b_link__:, and like in a cartoon I see his eyes dopping om and the following text scroll across his "Kyk die befokte doos van LOL nogals. Weet hom ma hys hier !!!"

Twas then I saw the danger of the acronymification. LMBIDFY.
let me break it down for you.
The acronyms are lying. No not the one's on the beach having a tan and a pina colada, I'm talking about the liegbek acronyms, they lie straight on your monitor into you optic nerve and kak on your brain cells. Take a look at the top 5 most abused!

1. ROTFL (rolling on the floor laughing): fok jou you not on the floor. Last time you were on the floor you were skropping it. Now you mos highbuck and getting an extreme makeover to remove the black off your knees . There better be something free on that floor otherwise the restraining order your knees have out on the floor stays in effect.

2. PML(pissing myself laughing): Ok this does happen, maar issie die joke nie, is van jy's ‘n vraat vir alcohol en will 5 biere one time suip while Joey is doing his standup. At least it ain't that bad until you think you only gonna slaat a poep ,then you cough, laugh and ask your bra if his chair is "wet" too. KML(kakking myself laughing) sies man fokkit.

3. LMAO / LMFAO (laughing my ass off): How is this possible, do you have a screw on ass. Knowing you its probably held on by prestik and chappies. As jou knopsterre moet afval gaan dit mos ge-class word as a natural disaster. So next time your boss hands you your ass in a portfolio discussion, remember it was you that laughed it off on chat in the first place.

4. LMIMMSPI (Lag my in my ma se purse in): Jarre did you get lost somewhere trying to spell Mississippi ??? Is net ‘n excuse om sjeld uit jou ma se purse uit te steel, ek ken jou net so.

5. BRB/BBL (be right back / be back later): Why is your addicted ass even typing that shyte. You didn't even go away, jy gee ons nie eers kans om reg van jou te skinner nie. Is rerig van pee and back typing in 3.5 chat lines. Your gwaai is being revved like you gonna drags race that motherfcuker. Like you grown eyes on yer fingers, you face is here at work, but your mind is the other side of chat.

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JB IIMSAAIGKIITB

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This morning I woke to the words: "Toilet Cleaning Experts"

Who the fcuk are the toilet cleaning experts??? Do they have toilet cleaning degrees, what blerrie subjects do you have to swat and is there a special school for this toiletty debauchery. Imagine net die qualification: JuimesBruin BKak (honors).

And why in the world are the guys so enthusiastic about it. If I must open the door and two gay dudes are at my door wanting to clean my kakpot, with peeps in the blerrie background putting up toilet signs and crime scene tape............Ek sal hulle met my fokken empties gooi.

I on two occasions had to clean a school toilet. Cos some teachers think it's uncouth to pee out of the classroom window during class. Fok hulle ! Ek piss nie my broek nat vir niemand nie...behalwe myself.

I wasn't too enthusiastic about it but these self proclaimed Toiletarians of Cleanivinty gaan so an lyk hulle krismis presents is in die stinkbak in. Kyk hoe lyk daai toilet....wat de fok eet daai mense...bisto gemix met cement of wat? Die merke lyk of daar a wheelspin competiton daa binne was. En fokken piss die blinde aimlose mense orange juice....is too mush dark that peepee.

Aunty..is jy nie emberresed nie !!! Jou hele Fam is vuil uile.

Now her toilet's clean....you got flowers and rainbows coming out of it and there's a blerrrie rubber duck flying around the barfroom. That sluimslurp monster who lives under the rim is dead. Have any of you noticed the sluimslurp speaks zulu...but the ad is english ??? Think about it. En why must the loo be blue.....ek gaan rooi dye in myne gooi net om mense te laat skrik.

I wonder if it was them "Toilet Cleaning Experts" that turned Zuma's shower magic ?

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If you can't handle the meat, stay out of the chicken

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I have had one of the worst days, was late for work, had to cancel a meeting on short notice and then I had to go and evaluate a customer's car. So with no time to spare I rush to the customer, en I'm supposed to be professional. I'm just glad the customer was drinking when I got to him, cos I looked like I was welding through the night. Dik babelaas.

While there I just felt a strange rumblings in my intestines... .maar kan mos nie ‘n customer wys nie, sorry uncle waars die toilet ek will shup a binge slaan daar....ek moet mos fokken professional wees. I hightail it back to the office, checking ok I got some time. Get back, pick up the daily sun (always good for a few laughs) my smokes? check, phone ? check. Van all you mxit mense ken julle kom net online by phone as julle op die toilet sit!

As I'm going to the loo eish my stomach sound like its doing a blerrie Sasol commercial...is net fokken glug glug glug. I get into the stall, deur toe...broek af....en toe k_link_ dit of daar donderweer buite is...but I made it in time. Light a gwuy, pick up the daily sun...look to my left.....WHERE'S THE FOKKEN TOILETPAPER ???.....ag fcuk no :_b_link__:.

What to do, what to do.....do I phone a bra to bring me some...Ja...eish no answer. At home I would just do the duck.....you know the duck..... when you waddle , boude geknuip, broek om die bene...getting toilet paper in the cupboard. And I don't want skid marks on my onnie, so I half assed pull my pants up....boude geknuip to the next stall.

Maar ek is partymal fokken stupid. Instead of just going into the next stall to finish there...NEEEEEEEE ek will net toilet paper gryp en terug manouver. In my gusto to get some wiping assistance I broke the paper dispenser off the wall.....toe val my broek af....toe kom die cleaning lady in met die paper refill. Shyte I turned bright purple...want eks mos nie wit nie ek word nie rooi nie.

I'm standing there looking like I'm molesting the paper dispenser. The cleaning lady has a clean view of my hairy a$$. 5 secs of confusion then she screams. Man I wiped at the speed of lightning. Got to the cleaning lady to apologize and offer her some hush money. Actually the money is more to go see a psychiatrist than hush money. I think she might be scarred for life.

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I caught my eyes looking at a guys tight firm bums. I'm not to sure....but I think my eyes might be gay.

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Feda Hond

Have you ever noticed that either we act like dogs or maybe they act like us ???

I actually think we stole alot from dogs.Doggy_style_,
Hell we even call each other hond...and just 2 things really rule coloured men.....drink(food for you non alcoholics) and bytches.

Have you ever driven in a coloured toun at so 1am or 2am. I was looking for a place to buy some beers. Jarre the whole doggpound is out. fokken doggs from white neighbourhoods come to the coloured toun to skud. and by the way a doggpound in afrikaans used to be called a Municipale Skud.

They just like us..or we like them !!! on a mission.....I can just imagine so a alsation going to a poodles house, sommer rubbing on the window with a wet finger not to wake her owners up. I'm sure the doggs got a cheers of their own, drinking doggy klippies and doing doggy jiets. sommer so bow wow.

And when they on a mission there's always that bad dogg that vang on kuk. Ja the one that starts howling after just 2 scooby snacks.....haaaauwooooo. I check the other doggs be getting irritated....and there's also so a worshond bra.....cos come on you might be a Jack Russel....but hell a worshondtjie mos make you look like a pitbull.

En the one time I check a auntie so early in da morning goooiing doggs with water. You can probably figure out what they were doing. and the dogg done gone and bite the auntie....eish I was breaking myself cos hond...If a auntie must come and gooi me with cold water on da job....I'll mos blerrie bite her myself !

JB

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I'd draw the line somewhere...if only I had a crayon

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The closet it locked to protect its inner from other people, and so is my heart.

The key is worn around my neck against my body. I will have to be touched before the key is relinquished.

All the "good" clothes hang front and center, for all to see. Easily reachable so that I can pick and choose them according to how I want people to see me on a specific day.

The thick skinned leather jacket is there to protect me from my environment. It has been worn on sunny days even when it didn't make sense, rationalized by a feeling of better safe than sorry. It is the most uncomfortable pieces, yet I wear them with pride in public and remove them as soon as I return to the sanctuary of home.

The shelf with all the dirty laundry is crammed full, and sometimes it forces the closet open and spills its embarrassing contents on the floor. I rush to stuff it all back, before anyone can see it. I don't deal with it, or even attempt to clean it. I have given up on those items, yet I can't throw them out.

A bag stands on the foundation board of the closet, filled with the past: love letters, pictures, teddy bears, poems of promises unfulfilled including an engagement and a wedding ring. I hate looking at what is in the bag, yet I am drawn to it at the same time. It is the biggest item in my closet and the first thing I see when I open it.

The comfortable clothes are hidden away, not seen by anyone. They have some holes, are washed out and I believe they are not fit for the public catwalk, so I wear them to bed. Comforting me during my period of rest and relieving me of the weariness and hurt of the day caused by wearing the tight and restrictive clothing I believe others want to see me wear.

I look at the topmost part of my closet. It is difficult to reach as the shelf of dirty laundry is to full to let me stand on it. The contents at the top are obscured by heavy blankets I dare not remove for fear that they might fall on me.

Behind those blankets are various things I cannot reach. My family bible is up there, joined by my university text books. I have a world map up there with locations chosen, yet the chosen red dots overwhelm the few pins that show places I have been. A diamond in a box, yet it is not on a ring as I don't know the size it should be. I have a family picture frame, but it remains void of loved ones.

I see my life in the closet, the suppressed emotions and issues crammed into a shelf to be forgotten. The facades, masks and costumes that are closet at hand for me to wear just to fit in with society and not be rejected. The comfortable clothes, the real me, hidden behind the masks, coming out only when I am alone. The baggage I cannot get rid of, inviting me with good memories to look inside yet leaving me hurt and angry when I do. The unobtainable desires right at the top. Unreachable and left as is, only because I cannot use the full and unsorted shelf at the bottom as steps to it.

Yes I am in my closet, but where better a place to be to start cleaning it out.

 

 

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