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It is 3:30am and although I am tired I have some pain that is keeping me awake so I though about creating another blog entry of something more serious and which has been on my mind. It is late so this may be a little inconsistent or grammatically incorrect or whatever but I am sharing anyway. I know though that to those of you who know me personally will be a little surprised. I recently watched an episode on Carte Blanch called “The Freemale” about women who chose not to enter into marriage and even relationships because they felt tied tied down by the responsibilities of it. I thought about that for a while & started thinking again after having lunch with my secretary, Dorcas. At a table beside us was a very beautiful woman who was having lunch alone & when I returned after using the toilet Dorcas had struck up a conversation with her. The two of them seemed to get along so well that I invited the lady to join us at our table & soon heard Dorcas say that this lady was just like me. She had been wearing a wedding ring on her finger but was not married at all and Dorcas, who knows my moods very well, said that the lady was wearing her ring to keep men from hitting on her so she could concentrate on her career while I throw myself into my work to escape from everything around me. So to her we were both using one thing to escape another. I left the lunch upset at the comments Dorcas had made about me but more upset because what she had said was true. I don’t wear a wedding band but this lady who joined us for lunch spoke about how she always was the person to whom others would turn to & complain about their relationships so she wanted to first work at her career. It made me think about a conversation I had with my "thread locking" friend in the chatroom one evening where she said that she tries to steer clear of people with too much personal drama in their lives because of how it inadvertently effects you… & she was so very right. No matter how much we try to be the shoulder that other people can cry on, their drama does become part of our lives & many times causes us to sabotage our own happiness or not to fulfill the purpose of our lives. I have always been the person that people could turn to & it all started after my grandmother died. My mom & stepdad (coloured one)had many problems & my grandmother was the one to whom both of them could turn to. She managed to make them both feel a little better after venting & the family was then kept together but I can now see how much that of an affect also had on her health. After her passing I took over the role of my grandmother & had to do all the listening as well as giving advice because from a young age I was seen as being very mature. What I did was listen & take notes because I promised myself that I would not make the same mistakes. Soon every friend & family member turned to me but the thing with the drama in other peoples lives is that they don’t tell you about the good things but rather about that which is causing them unhappiness & this is where is becomes dangerous to those who like me become part of their drama just by the support we offer. I took so many notes on what to avoid that I never looked at what was important to me in a relationship & life & ended up making some terrible personal decisions. Just like these “Freemales” it was easier for me to fulfill the physiological & security needs of Maslow’s famous triangle and because of the notes taken (many times without realising it) of other peoples drama I skipped “love and belonging” (thrid on the triangle)because I felt that it was highly overrated anyway & I went onto esteem. But without love nothing else matters or can exist & not just being loved but also being able to love. I have started making new notes in the new chapter of my life and it includes not running from my personal problems by throwing myself into my work as I have done. I am learning not to become involved in other people’s personal drama because it is as unhealthy for me as it is for them. You see I have always felt emptiness in my life because I could not allow myself to love or be loved out of fear that I may end up like those who came to me for help or advice. I could not love because love seemed temporary and people let you down. I have never felt that anyone had my back, even those who said that they loved me & I then became weary of the motives of those who did. Now at the age of 30 I have not only found my ability to love but also the reason to love, love unconditionally & love without fear. So there is hope for all you 20, 30 & 40-somethings as it is something that even my mother says she thought she would never see in me. I am learning to love! I am learning to love because it is the driving force behind the fourth level of esteem. I am learning to love because love gives the purpose & meaning (fifth level) to this life and without love we cannot reach our full potential (self actualization, last level). You see, God created a man to love a woman & be by his side because she would teach him to love & they would then together complete God’s will for them in their lives. If you allow it, Love will free you & your soul will soar like and eagle. When you start believing in it, let those you love know as often as you can just how you feel about them even if it is 50 times a day & they say “ja, ja I know”…. love is the only thing that there is an unlimited supply of & is free to all of us (rich and poor), love gives you hope, love gives you dreams, love gives you the ability to follow & make those dreams a reality regardless of your current situation, if you allow it love will find a way… & only love can set you free. I wish you love.